Can FWB be successful?

FWB, friends with benefits, f*ck buddies, no strings attached.. whatever you want to call it, by your mid-twenties you’ve most likely been in a situation with someone where these words have come up.

So what makes a friends with benefits situation successful? WELL, I can definitely tell you what doesn’t make it successful.

-feelings

-jealousy

-miscommunication

-attachment

..this list could go on and on, for me especially because I’ve been in far more unsuccess relationships like this than successful ones. The number is one actually. One single successful friends with benefits relationship and I am here to tell you what I’ve learned to be successful and unsuccessful.

I recently listened to an episode from the podcast: “Guys We’ve F*ucked”. If you’re a female or even a male, I highly recommend this podcast. It’s hilarious and real.  It ties together political and social issues with the hilarity of dating, sexual experiences and much more. The episode that really got me thinking, discussed a no strings attached relationship from both a male and two females’ perspectives. In this case, it was the male that said that relationships like this can’t work.  He said that if you have sex with someone more than 3 times, that means there’s something between the two people, whether that be feelings, attachment, attraction, a connection.. something and whatever this something is, is bound to make the friends with benefits relationship not work out in the end.  Even the one female talker who said she had had an FWB relationship in the past, did have a ‘crush’ on the guy she was sleeping with.

The male went on to explain that there’s a type of coldness that comes along with this type of relationship. You are turning off your emotions. I agree with this. 100% the only way an FWB relationship can ever possibly work, is if you turn off your emotions and feelings. Throw the expectations out the window. Don’t expect this person to be there for you in any other way than physically.

The male even explains that an FWB relationship is an ‘overindulgence’. Like smoking, or dipping your hand in the cookie jar, one too many times. With this statement, I would probably have to say I disagree. I definitely see his point of view on this, but I think that if both parties in this situation are on the same page and have the same agreements of what is doing down, I don’t think it’s necessarily an overindulgence as much as it’s two friends helping each other meet eachother’s needs.

The more this podcast made me think, the more I analyzed what was the key to success.
1) Do not allow feelings to form. You obviously need to be attracted to this person, but psychically not emotionally. Don’t talk to this person about personal things. Don’t ask too many personal questions. If you’re having a bad day, don’t lean on this person to bring you back up. Keep your physically needs separated from your emotional needs.
2) Make sure you’re on the same page. What do you want? Is it the same thing this other person wants? If you find yourself not getting what you want out of the situation, communicate it.
3) If this person or the relationship starts to not feel right, walk away. There’s no need to explain your reasoning, you do not owe this other person anything other than what you gave them, just walk away.
4) Be honest. If you start to have feelings, if something doesn’t feel equal or fair, don’t only be honest with the other person, but be honest with yourself.
5) Keep it secret. I honestly don’t know if this really helps or not, but I’ve found it keeps a whole lot of unneeded drama out of the situation. Keep it simple.

Are friends with benefits are the way of the future? I honestly hope not. But for where I am right now, it’s working for me, and until further notice, I’m just going to go with it, not ask too many questions or overthink the situation.

-A

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#MeToo

what-it-means-when-women-say-me-too-2-18053-1508277359-1_dblbigPhoto Source

I’m going to be brutally honest with you.

I did not like the #MeToo campaign that spread virally through our society this past October. Every, “Me Too” hashtag literally made me cringe every time I saw it. I avoided reading people’s posts about it.  I embarrassingly judged other people for posting about it and chose to turn my head in the opposite direction.

Why? Why did I feel this way? Why did I react this way to such a powerful movement?

Because it’s heartbreaking to visually see how many girls and women in our society have been sexually assaulted or harassed. It’s devastating to know many of these girls and women have suffered in silence for many years, most likely blaming themselves for the actions of boys and men.

I can remember the first time I was sexually harassed, very vividly actually. Unfortunately for me, I went through puberty at a very young age. I think I was wearing bras in grade 4. Not only did puberty give me boobs at a young age, it gave me the unwanted attention of males at a young age as well. I remember a boy a few grades above me, making an extremely vulgar comment to me. I did not even know what sexual intercourse was at this age, but I knew this comment made me feel extremely uncomfortable, vulnerable and violated.

During my elementary and high school years, as young girls and women, we were not taught about sexual assault or harassment in school. No one told us that certain things should not happen to us or be said to us. We learnt about rape and non-consensual sex, but that was it. I didn’t know that other boys and girls shouldn’t be making comments about my breast or body type. I didn’t know that people sending me un-wanted pictures of their naked genitals was not okay. I would actually be surprised if anyone around my age did not have a #MeToo story.

So why am I speaking up about sexual harassment and assault if I didn’t like the movement at first? Because it needs to be talked about. If it makes you feel uncomfortable to hear these stories, then good. It should. Uncomfortability brings change and our culture and society need to change drastically in this area.

My #MeToo story doesn’t end at vulgar comments I got during puberty and my high school years. These comments continued into university, they continued through my year of professional dancing and they also continued into my years’ of professional cheerleading for a country large football league. My #MeToo story also doesn’t end at comments. I have been sexually assaulted at bars and I have also witnessed my friends be sexually assaulted in similar situations. My #MeToo story includes slut-shaming, non-consensual sex tapes and even non-consensual sexual intercourse.

This simple, short hashtag is a lot more complex then it appears to the eye. For me, it’s full of lots of past pain, guilt, blame and hurt. It’s also full of strength, forgiveness and healing. I let the pain of my past, dislike this movement, but I am choosing to let my strength talk about it now.

Let’s use the heartbreak of this movement to inspire change in the future.

-A

 

Can someone be too nice?

I am such a hypocrite when it comes to some things, and I can call myself out on this, because well, it’s me calling myself out. I am forever telling people to make themselves happy first, to put themselves before others, and then here I am, trying to make sure the entire world has a smile on their faces before myself.

I love making other people happy and putting other people’s needs before my own, but I think I’ve finally realized that some people in life will take advantage of this. Does this mean I should change who I am, or stop doing nice things for people? Not necessarily. I think I need find a happy medium, a balance between making other people happy and making myself happy as well.

I did a huge computer purge last night while working a night shift. I went through my Icloud and deleted unnecessary things like photos and saved messages. I literally had old messages saved from 2014. How crazy is that?

I had messages saved when I had a falling out with my old group of best friends. I had messages from employers, family members, unknown numbers and exes. Going through these messages I noticed a lot of noteworthy things. For example in situations, I am the one who does the majority of the apologizing, even for situations that weren’t my fault. I always took the blame, almost as if to make the other person feel better about themselves, despite at the time it probably made me feel terrible.

With exes, I could physically see myself putting 100% more effort into conversations as I read through the messages. I could sense the disparity through my double texts, one-sided conversations and the continuity of ‘between the lines’ begging for reciprocation of feelings. I deleted these messages one by one as I read them, letting go of past feelings, letting go of past intentions and letting go of any future one-sided relationships.

Moving into this next year, I promise myself to stay true to who I am. I am a very nice person. I like making people smile and putting others before me. I like doing things for others and helping people through tough times, but I promise to not lose my happiness in the mix of life. I promise to not let unworthy people take advantage of my kindness.

This is my champagne year after all. I can’t let it go to waste!

-A

I miss you.

I think sometimes, as humans, we just need to be told we’re missed by another person.

The “I miss you” words, don’t necessarily have to be said with intent, but they just need to be heard.

These words could come from an ex, a faraway friend, a long lost family member or anything in between, but these words are proof that you did make a difference in another person’s life. That your presence left an impression, one that they miss from time to time, or maybe a lot.

An “I miss you” could give you the comfort that another person thinks about you, maybe as much as you think of them.

It shows that you crossed their mind, that something in their day to day life, reminded them of you.

It proves that despite how things were left off with this person, they still have a positive memory of you, enough to miss you, to miss your presence, your smile, your laugh or simply your being.

Always remember that, even on your lonely days. Someone misses you. Someone out there is thinking about you. And someone enjoys you just the way you are.

Almost.

The almost relationship.

The break up that you can’t even call a breakup because you never actually dated the person.

The heartbreak that you feel stupid for having because you don’t feel entitled to feeling hurt.

The wasted time, the lost words and the forgotten feelings.

Holding onto absolutely nothing.

And letting go of even less.

How do you get over something that was never there, to begin with?

How do you get that part of your smile back from someone who doesn’t even know they took anything from you?

Would you trade the almost love, the almost relationship, for not meeting this person at all?

Would you trade the laughs and memories, the things that now leave a bitter taste in your mouth?

 

TMI Tuesdays

Story timeeeeee. I have been feeling awfully awful lately (see what I did there haha). Just not myself at all and I can’t get to the bottom of what’s making me feel this way. SO I’m concentrating on the things that make me happy, instead of always focussing on the negativity.

So what makes me happy? Laughing, scary movies, drawing, writing, photography.. etc. I also watch a lot of YouTube which brings me to where we are today. I follow this one YouTuber: Karissa-, and she does a video called “TMI Tuesdays” (which means Too Much Information).

So I have a TMI funny story for you all, because someone might as well laugh at my ridiculous life with me.

I was hanging out with this boy that I really liked and when I like someone, I put in 110%. He had just moved to my city and didn’t know very many people, and the people he did know were out of town for the weekend. It happened to be his birthday on this weekend and I know he was feeling down, so I was determined to show him the best places and things in the city and make his birthday awesome. I got him a small gift and wrote him a nice card, that a girl at work personally made for me.

Before I started hanging out with this boy I was feeling a little skeptical. I wasn’t sure if he was still with his ex or back together with her, he had mentioned to me they were talking again and wanted to be honest with me. OF COURSE, after hearing that it’s hard to not think about it.

So anyways, decided to go ahead with my plans. I knew he wouldn’t be available to later in the day so I waited for him to text me. The day slowly progressed into the night and I had barely heard anything from him. Just super short, blunt texts and after getting those I knew what was coming. He eventually messaged saying he wasn’t feeling up to doing anything blah blah blah. Realistically it was his birthday so I shouldn’t have felt as upset as I did. I was just frustrated because I had put effort into doing something special for him. I also felt stupid for letting this boy into my life after already having doubts about the situation. A million ‘what ifs’ started filling my head and after seeing some posts on social media, I was mega bummed out to say the least.

This is where things took a turn for the worst. I tore up the card I had written (crazy vibes I know) and threw the pieces into the candle that was near by me. NOT A GOOD IDEA. The flame of the candle probably tripled in size and stayed that way. I decided to try and wait it out, but after about 30 minutes and no sign of the flame shrinking I started to worry.

Cue non-so-smart Ashley. I decide to throw a glass of water onto the flame. Turns out, this was not a good idea. The cold water made the hot glass explode, spilling wax all over the table and lighting the carpet on fire.

Most people would just consider this a funny accident, but things like this happen to me all the time. Karma constantly kicking me when I’m already down. I’m not even sure what I did at this point. I think I threw a towel onto of the mess, which luckily put out the fire.

You think I would take this as some sort of sign, but nope. I continued to hang out with this boy for way too long.

I seriously hope this boy never reads this or any hopefully boyfriends because I feel like this gives me some serious crazy vibes and I swear I’m not crazy hahaha.

I hope this ridiculous story made some of you out there smile!

A

Reflection.

I read an article the other night explaining how ‘love’ changes with every age. UGH, I KNOW GUYS. Here I go again on another rant about being broken-hearted and single and blah blah blah. BUT, that is not where I am going with this. As I read this article, unable to really connect much to it, I started to do a reflection of my year. I then rolled over and grabbed my phone, and started swiping through my pictures from this past year remembering the good and bad times.

How was my 2017?

Could I sum it up in one word?

I think the word I might choose is: chaos.

This year has been both amazing and heartbreaking for me. I won a lot of battles and had to fight quite a few as well. In 2017, I graduated and found a job I absolutely love. A job that is both fulfilling and exhausting, the way it should be in my eyes. I was surrounded by amazing people, but also got stabbed in the back by one too many of the people I thought respected me. I overcame a lot of personal battles, speaking out about my past with mental health, but I ignored the fact I still have a lot to face on that front. I stood up for myself when it came to the men I let into my life, but also found that I was still being walked all over.

Reading my last couple posts (after being made aware from a friend), I find that they do come off quite negative. The thing is, I am a very positive person if you ask the people that are around me frequently, but I do find I tend to concentrate and fixate on the negative things. I let the bad outweigh the good, no matter the severity of either side. With my job as a youth care worker, I spend the majority of my days, trying to convince the youth I work with to stay positive. To continue working on their goals and to continue pushing through their treatment and the trauma they’ve gone through in the past. After doing this consistently for 8-12 hours a day, I come home absolutely physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. These are the times I usually end up blogging. When I am all out of positive things and motivation. When I am at my lowest, and my mind is fixating on the negativity in my life, instead of the 10 smiles I put on the boys’ faces I worked with that day. This is when I take the frustration out on the people I care about, when I let my mind convince myself of negative ideologies and when instead of thinking about all the wonderful things I have going for me, I think about all the things I’m still lacking in my life.

I’m sorry to the people who have read my blog and left with a negative image of me. I am sorry to the people who think I am trying to throw pity parties for myself. I am neither a negative person nor am I trying to get people aboard my personal party of pity.

Life is a constant uphill battle for each and every one of us, and the way we each cope and deal with our struggles look different. I am 100% a very emotional person. When I am sad, every inch of my body feels it. When I am happy, I feel that happiness all the way to my soul.

With this year quickly coming to an end, and I continue to reflect on the many triumphs and challenges of this year, instead of talking and revisiting the negativity of certain situations, I am going to try and think about the lessons I learnt from each situation. Maybe I will post about these in the week(s) to come, maybe I won’t. But for those of you who have hung on strong all the way to the end of this lengthy post, I want you to remember and leave with this thought.

No one is perfect in this world, regardless of how they portray themselves on social media or in their day to day lives. Everybody has their own things going on. Everybody has their own battles to fight on a daily basis. All you can do personally is continue to treat people how you want to be treated yourselves. Try to see the world in a more positive view, concentrating on the beautiful things in life that often get overseen because negativity blinds each of us. Work hard. Be nice. And find something in every day that makes you smile and makes you happy to be alive.

-Ash