What I’ve Learned From Dating in My 20s

If you know me or follow any type of my social media, you may know that I’m pretty quick to make fun of my dating life. Making jokes about the situations I’ve gotten myself into constantly and consistently, time and time again.

I ignore what’s literally in front of me, and let my mind create situations or false futures instead of seeing the signs of future heartbreaks.

At least I can laugh about it (now) right??

So here we are. I’m going to share what I’ve learnt through past relationships, heartbreaks, hookups and everything in between as I’ve dated through my 20s.

1) I’m going to start with the most important thing I’ve learnt over the years. It is that if you can’t love yourself, no else will be able to either. I read this quote the other day and it really stayed to me:

“I think the problem is that we depend on our lovers to love us the way we should love ourselves”

Av.

Our society constantly relies on other people to tell us we are doing a good job or to tell us we’re beautiful and smart when really all we should be telling ourselves these things every day. If I can’t love myself with all my imperfections and loose ends, how should I expect another person too? I can’t. Simple as that.

2) The next thing I’ve learnt is you can’t try and change for someone and someone should never have to change for you. Trying to change yourself for someone else, will only result in you being unhappy in the relationship because you’re constantly trying to be something or someone you’re not. Expecting someone to change for you is unrealistic and cruel because then you technically don’t even like the person they are, you like the person they could be.

3) Age difference doesn’t matter, but maturity level does. With my parents being 10 years apart, age has never really affected whether or not I like a person, but I’ve now learnt that age does and will play a factor no matter how hard you try and deny it. It’s either going to be something you can work through or be a constant burden.

4) You can’t love someone into loving you.

5) You can love someone with your entire heart, but if they still love their ex., there’s no hope, no matter what you do or how hard you try.

6) IF THEY WANT TO TALK TO YOU, THEY WILL. If they want to make time for you, they will. If they want to make it work, they will.

7) Trust the key to a successful relationship. If you can’t build your relationship with a base of trust, you won’t be able to build it very far off the ground.

8) Don’t be unfaithful (this is the tip my teenage youth gave me when I asked). Cheating benefits no one. If your mind is wondering, you shouldn’t be with the person you’re with. That’s not fair to the significant other or even to yourself. If you lacking something in your relationship, whether that is on an emotional level or physical level, express this to the person you’re in a relationship with, don’t go seeking it from other resources.

9) Honesty is key. If you can’t be honest about what you want, what you like, what you’re expecting, then you’re just setting yourself up for failure.

10) If your significant other isn’t your best friend, you’re doing it wrong. If you don’t laugh at the same things, or goof around with each other, the relationship will get boring real quick.

11) It’s not who you want to spend Saturday night with, it’s about who you want to spend all day Sunday with doing absolutely nothing but enjoying every second of it.

12) If you want commitment and a future, don’t waste your time with someone who doesn’t share the same interests as you.

13) You’re not always going to get the closure you may need and want, and that’s just something you have to learn to accept.

14) Don’t waste your time trying to make someone feel bad about how they treated you, because most of the time they honestly just don’t care and you’ll end up wasting more of your time. The best thing you can do is walk away and not look back.

15) Desire and value do not go hand in hand. Just because a person desires you, does not mean they will value you. If they don’t value you, they don’t deserve you. You will only be an option if you allow yourself to be.

I am no dating expert, but I’ve learnt a few things along the way. I will forever remain the hopeless romantic I label myself as, even though I often get caught up in convenience and being comfortable. I think it’s the person that pushes you outside your boundaries, the person that you feel most like yourself with and the person that’s not only there for the good times but also the bad, that will make the best partner. I can’t wait to find this person.

-Ash

(10 Shitty Dating Truths You Must Accept If You Want To Find Love)

Advertisements

Dating a Person With an Alcoholic Parent

People joke with me all the time about being single.

“Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” “Why are you always single?” “Why don’t you ever give anyone a chance?”

I never really thought about it much actually. I easily blame my extremely busy schedule as a contributing factor and the fact I “just haven’t met anyone that’s worth giving up my free time too”. It’s not like I don’t ‘date’. I do. But I usually find myself caught in situations that aren’t benefiting me, with people that I find to be quite pessimistic or someone who doesn’t have the same intentions as I do.

When dating, I am the kind of person who knows right away if I’m going to get along with you. To other people (even my friends), this sounds crazy. But if I know we aren’t going to click, I’m not going to spend time trying to make it work.

Okay, after a little background on my single AF self, we can get to the point of this blog post. In my line of work, I am constantly reminding myself that the negative and sometimes harsh actions of my youth/clients are due to the trauma and situations they grew up in. I never thought to do that with myself. I’ve never stepped back and wondered why I do certain things and why I gravitate towards certain people.

I started doing some research on what having an alcoholic parent can do to the child and what effects it may have. I was surprised at how many interesting and relatable articles I found, especially when it comes to dating. I never really thought that this part of my life could affect my dating life. That might be naive of me to think because there are other more noticeable things in my life that having addiction in my life affects, like the constant need for control and acceptance.

Here are some of the main points I picked up from the research I did:

  1. Control. A child of an addict has seen how addiction can take all control away from a person. This child will then constantly want to control all aspects of their life. In dating this becomes difficult. When you date a person, you have to give up some control and trust to another person. This can not only be difficult, but also frustrating. Something as simple as cancelled plans may be triggering or seen as a much bigger deal because an addicts child has gone through a lot of cancelled plans. When we give up control, this means a lot.
  2. Burdens. A child of an addict is used to carrying around others burdens with them. It is something that we may have done for so long, we don’t even realize we are doing it anymore. You might not see this right away, but eventually, it will come out. You will see us get dragged down and worn out from doing so, but you will also see the strength it takes for us to get back up.
  3. Patience. It takes a lot of patience and time to love someone who has felt the pain of addiction. It takes time for us to open up and trust you. It takes patience to understand why our brains may work the way they do. It also takes understanding and consideration to get why we may react differently in some situations than ‘normal’ people do.
  4. Fun Over Attachment. Children of addicts often seek out fun relationships compared to deep and meaning full relationships. We fearful of getting attached to someone. Something that is fun and service level is easy to let go of and run away from whereas a more deep relationship makes so vulnerable and susceptible to being hurt.
  5. People That Need Saving. People who have dealt with addiction sometimes gravitate to people we think ‘need to be saved’. We take it upon ourselves to change and save this person. If they eventually do, we will prove to ourselves we are worth love and worth getting the validation for doing so.
  6. Emotions. Drastic and quick changes in emotions are something children of addicts are used to and have most likely picked this trait up. We are aware of this and blame ourselves for it. We think they are broken and defective. We are used to feeling loved one second and hated the next. Inconsistent emotions and feelings are something we are used to, please be patient with us.
  7. Grief. Children of addicts are grieving. Grieving lost memories, forgotten birthdays, ruined holidays, memorable moments they were skipped, etc. The thing is, we are good at hiding this grief. It doesn’t come out often, but it will. When it does be supportive.
  8. Can’t Say Goodbye. Breakups and goodbyes are not easy for children of addicts. If we’ve opened up to you and shown you a side of us we don’t often show people, we won’t ever want to let you go. We have been programmed to continuously try and make a relationship work, even through abusive situations. If you feel the relationship is toxic, it may be up to you to walk away, because quite often the child of an addict won’t be able to.
  9. Affirmation. Children of addicts are always looking to be told we’re going something right. While growing up, this aspect might have been skipped. So now that we’re older, we will do things to get the affirmation we desperately needed when we were younger.

    Articles I used:
    Children of Alcoholics Have Intimacy Issues
    Dating The Child Of An Alcoholic
    5 Things You Need To Know About Loving The Adult Child Of An Alcoholic Parent

    -Ash

The Green-Eyed Monster

I am not a very jealous person, I never really have been. I’m also not a very competitive person, which is why I would have never survived as a professional dancer. My sister and I, though similar in age and appearance, grew up liking completely different things. I was into dance, she was into basketball and track. She used to only wear her hair straight, whereas I also had mine curly. We even have very different taste in boys and have never once fought over something in regards to this (though believe me, boys have tried to stir the pot). So I never really grew up having the need to be jealous of anything. I worked hard for the things I got in life, the positions I got put in for dancing and the opportunities I got from cheerleading.

Not until recently, have I truly tasted the bitterness of jealousy and the flood of guilt that it has also brought me. This feeling has taken a hold of me for much longer than I would like. I don’t like to admit to something like this, because jealousy is often looked at as a weakness and that’s exactly how I have been viewing it. Weakness and a lack of self-confidence.

So I have taken to the sometimes trustworthy internet, to see what I could find on this topic.

The first thing I read was this:

“Jealousy is typically considered a negative emotion, but it can be a compelling motivator for self-growth, and reinforce the connections that matter most to you.

Jennifer Freed, Ph.D.

I have been so focused on feeling guilty about being jealous, I have completely turned my eyes from trying to look at this from a different, more positive view. Instead of working on myself or my relationships, I have tried to distance myself, in hope, of also distancing myself from this emotion.

I would never say jealousy is on the good end of emotions because I think people end up doing and thinking more negative things when they feel this way, but I definitely think instead of feeling bad about this feeling, we can use it as a tool to step back, reflect and work on ourselves.

Here are some ways we can use jealousy in a positive way:

  1. It allows you to see the different attachments you have to people and brings to light what you cherish in that relationship and how you may be taking it for granted.
  2. If you allow it, it can be a great tool for self-reflection. For example: Why am I feeling like this and how can I improve myself to help me let go of this feeling? Jealousy often stems from an inner insecurity or insufficient sense of self-worth.
  3. Jealousy can help filter out overly competitive and toxic relationships.
  4. Acknowledge these feelings. Often when we choose to ignore them, we are shutting the door on self-reflection and self-growth. A friends success is great motivation to build our own success.
  5. Use this emotion to focus and concentrate on all the positive things you have in your life.
  6. Quite often (not always) the things we get jealous over are materialistic. Remind yourself that these are just ‘things’. These things aren’t what’s most important in the long run. It’s the relationships and memories we make, that are the most important.
  7. Concentrate on your happiness. Often people tend to be more jealous when they aren’t happy with themselves. Make a list of all the positive things you have going on in your life, surround yourself with people that you pick you up and do the things you love to do.
  • Ask yourself what you are feeling and if you want to feel this way.
  • If you do not want to feel this way, take some deep breaths and focus on the emotion you want to feel instead.
  • Make the choice to feel the way that you want to feel.
  • For example, if you want to feel happiness, focus on being happy, identify what makes you happy, and maintain a positive mental attitude.

Lindsay Oliver 

Owning your jealousy is the first step and will be the most difficult one, but once you do it, you can move on from there and grow from that feeling. In the past, I’ve gotten caught up in the idea that jealousy is bad and I am a bad person for feeling it. This is not true. Everyone feels jealous over something. Instead of feeling bad about it, we can instead use it as a tool for growth.

-A

Mindful

I don’t even know where to start writing. It’s been so long! I thought about writing an update on my life, and then I realized I don’t really have a lot to update you on. I could talk about my recent trip or my recent work, but I haven’t quite found a good enough purpose to write about either of those. I could talk about fitness or mental health, both topics I love writing about, but again, I have not a lot of motivation to do so.

So I have decided to write about something cool that happened the other day. Two of my best friends and I went out for brunch to a local restaurant. We sat, chatted, laughed and ate. We talked about outrageous things that probably shouldn’t be talked about in public and every once in a while our server would catch a glimpse about our absurd topics and giggle along with us. She was the cutest server, that was so personable and honest. She was one of those people that just by talking to her, you could tell how kind she was.

After brunch, we all went along with our ways. I ended up having to go straight to work because we chatted our way into the afternoon. I didn’t check my phone until later that night and saw that I had a direct message. It was from the server we had in the restaurant earlier that day. She reached out telling me she recognized me from school and wanted to thank me for speaking about self-harm.

I love getting messages like that because I often don’t think my writing reaches anyone. I also sometimes find it hard to be so vulnerable in such a small-knit city. It feels like I’m standing naked in front of everyone, allowing my flaws and imperfections to be seen.

She also made a comment in her direct message, that I really needed to hear. Usually, around this time of year, I would be heading into calendar shoot weekend for the professional cheerleading team I was previously on for five years. This means at this time last year I had dieted and exercised my way to the “ideal” body that society would approve of. I would have a fresh tan and freshly highlighted hair.  Not always being able to maintain this body and ‘perfect’ look is a hard reality to swallow sometimes and has definitely been an adjustment for me. Finding a balance has been hard and is something I am definitely continuing to work on.

At brunch, the server had offered to take a photo of the three of us at our table, I laughed and told her: “No thanks, I look ugly right now with no makeup on”. I never really thought much about this comment, I just laughed it off. In the girl’s message, she said this comment hurt her heart. She not only thanked me for speaking out and giving people someone to relate to but she made the great point of saying that: “we often want others to feel this way (beautiful) but forget to remind ourselves”.

I needed to hear this comment. I speak so often about loving ourselves and being positive, I need to step back and be mindful that I am also living this way. I have come a long way from the hate I used to have for the way I looked and the body I was given, but this comment made to realize that I need to continue to work on loving myself and speaking to myself positively like I speak to the people around me.

Sending someone a message is such a simple act but can be immensely impactful.

Remember to take the advice you give others and speak to yourself with as much love as you do to those around you!

-A

My “ED” Story.

“Ok ok, what story could you possibly have that you haven’t told us?”

That’s what you’re all thinking right? Well, this is the story of all stories and not a happy story at that, so if you’re looking for a pick-me-up, this is not it. Though I guess this story does have a happy ending or a somewhat (I hope) positive message.

“So Ashley, what is this story about? What could you still possibly have to tell us that you haven’t posted before on this blog or on some type of social media?”

Well guys, this is the story of my battle with an eating disorder. Bulimia to be exact. Don’t believe me, just take a closer look at my chipped, acid ruined teeth.

Let’s take a quick step back here. Why am I choosing to share this now, and why haven’t I talked about this before? For me, having battled an eating disorder almost ended me. It trapped me in a dark world, without an exit. I lost myself. I honestly thought I was never going to get back to normality. I also never thought I was sick enough or skinny enough for anyone to believe I had an eating disorder. In my mind I wanted to get ‘as sick’ as I possibly could so I could get better (as twisted as that sounds). I wanted to be the kind of skinny, that no one would have to question if I was suffering from an eating disorder, they would just know by looking at me. The thing with bulimia that most people don’t know, is that you don’t always get emaciated. Sometimes you even end up gaining weight.

Bulimia was a lot easier for me to fall into that I thought. For starters, bulimia and self-injury often go hand in hand. They are both about the ability to control something in your life. Self-injury you are controlling what you feel and when. Bulimia you are controlling your food intake and outtake. I also had the added pressure to be skinny, as I was working as a professional dancer at the time in Mexico and in my head purging my food was the answer to these pressures. On top of it all, I was in a foreign country, alone, where I could literally do whatever I wanted, with no one to really monitor what or how I was doing.

I don’t remember why I did it for the first time. I don’t remember how I got the idea to do it and I don’t remember how I got to that place. I do remember crying after my first purge because I was so happy that I had found a way to eat as much as I wanted and still ‘stay skinny’.

There are things you will never forget in live. The things people say. Past events. You remember the good things, but you also remember the bad things. I remember people making comments. About my size, about how much I ate, or didn’t eat. I remember skipping meals so I could eat a cookie. I remember spending hours in front of the mirror, picking out my own flaws, pinching the fat on my hips until I got bruises. To this day I can’t look some people in the eyes, because I expect them to be picking out my flaws and not actually looking me in the eyes.

I used to blame my eating disorder on the pressures around me, but it was so much more than that. This disorder was deeprooted and rotted my mental state. On this blog (where the writing above came from), I blamed my love for dance and my past dance teachers, I blame comments from outsiders and I blame pressures from society. Not until the most recently did I realize that it was connected to the trauma I had endured growing up with an addiction ridden parent and having the sense of no control over this.

When I returned home from Mexico after my first nine months of working, I thought I had left my time with an eating disorder there. I thought it was that simple. Little did I know, that being home was an even bigger trigger than being in Mexico. Addiction still haunted my house and now I felt guilty for leaving my sister there to fend for herself, without me. In my eyes, I had been the target while growing up. I was the teenager that drank too much with friends, that stayed out past curfew and did all those bad things that teenagers do. When I moved to Mexico, my sister was the new target and when I got home, I could see what that had done to her.

After a summer of hatred towards myself, I chose to go back to Mexico instead of enrolling in University. I couldn’t wait to go back to see my friends, to get to dance everyday and even better, to indulge in ED. All I could think about was getting to go back to my old habits and getting ‘skinny’ again. I wanted to spend 6 months getting into amazing shape so I could come home to my boyfriend and my friends and show them how beautiful and skinny I could be.

Returning to Mexico was probably the biggest regret I will ever have, and the only regret I will ever have.

When I got back to Mexico it was different. The people were different. My job as a dancer felt different. People came to work every day dreading it, which made me dread it. The positive spirit I had remembered was gone. I remember getting there, being excited to get back to dancing and I was shot down. The competition between dancers was even bigger now. The pressure to lose weight was higher than I remembered. It got to the point where the choreographer would sit me down and tell me I had to lose weight.

The final three months I spent living in Mexico was definitely the worst times I had suffering from bulimia. I literally woke up every morning to binge and purge. Work was on the back burner during this time. Dancing was easy and mindless for me. By this time I knew all the secrets of bulimia, what I could eat and easily purge up, how to time everything out perfectly and how to do this all without any of my roommates ever hearing or knowing. The only thing I hadn’t realized (or chose not to see), was that I was actually gaining weight and not losing. This weight gain brought a lot of unwanted attention to me from my bosses, like I mentioned above. I remember the exact comment that pushed me over the edge and that was enough to send me spiralling.

I went into a dark hole. The only time I would leave my house after this point was to go to practice in the mornings, to eat in the staff kitchen or to go to the grocery store. Every day I would wake up at 6am to go get coffee, buns, donuts and other pastries from the staff kitchen. Bring them back to my house eat them all, plus a few bowls of cereal and purge it all up while I showered before work. On my way to work I would walk across the street, buy a sandwich, some chocolate and a yogurt drink. I would eat and drink these things during practice. I convinced myself that since I ate them in practice I would burn off the calories of the food, so I didn’t have to purge them up. After practice I would eat with the other dancers and sneak desserts and other food back to my house. Before eating this stolen food, I would walk across the street buy a couple more sandwiches, ice cream and chocolate bars. I spent my afternoon binging and purging, watching reruns of English shows with Spanish subtitles and sending my long distant boyfriend sad, depressing texts about how much I hated it in Mexico and how much I wanted to come home. I continued to gain weight which provoked my boss to pressure me eat healthier, go to the gym more often and lose weight. This only made me binge and purge more. I would chew up to 10 packs of gum a day, trying to distract myself from binging and purging. At this point I was binging and purging 5-6 times a day.

If you’re reading this and can take anything out of my story, it would be to ask for help. Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak or broken if anything it shows your strength. I wish when I returned from Mexico, I would have asked for help. I wish I would have opened up about what I had been putting myself through. But I didn’t. I went back to wearing my fake mask I had put on the last time I returned from Mexico, telling everyone about what an amazing time I had while living there.

This disease cost me a lot of friendships and relationships. I pushed anyone close to me away. I let depression take over me at this time, and I drowned myself in work and school. I wasn’t able to look people in the eye, because all my brain could do was think about how they were looking at my flaws or judging my imperfections.

It wasn’t until the following year that I began to purge and binge again. Which is a weird coincidence because it was also the last time I put a razor to my skin. I figured out how I could throw up at home without my parents catching me. Binging and purging in the basement after they went to bed and hiding the evidence.

It’s funny because now, looking back, I have no idea how long it’s been since I last binged and purged. It got to the point for me that I understood it wasn’t so much about the actions, it was more about the abuse I was putting myself through. About all the hate I felt towards myself and all the blame I carried. After I got myself out of the routine of binging and purging daily, I started working on loving myself again. For me, sharing my story of self-injury really helped me. Finishing school and achieving something that at one point I didn’t think I could do helped. Realizing that no one is perfect and I don’t need to perfect. These are all things that helped me let go of this disease that was trying so hard to hold on.

There are plenty of parts I’ve left out of this story, parts that I originally wrote in my anonymous post, that I no longer see a need to write about. My original post, like I said, was full of blame I put on the wrong people. It was written in a way that made it seem like I was trying to convince someone about how sick I was, and I wanted sympathy from the anonymous people that read it. But the truth is, I don’t need sympathy and I don’t need reassurance that I was “sick enough”. These were all tricks that kept me trapped in this disease.

Eating disorders are a tricky thing. They’re not like other addictions where you can cut the addictive substance out of your life. Food is something you need to survive. I couldn’t take food away to stop myself from binging and purging. I needed to figure out, why I was doing this to myself. I needed to understand it was more than just to look a certain way, it was about forgiving myself and letting go of a lot of things I was holding onto.

I wanted to write this post because I want to hopefully help at least one person who reads it. I was in the darkest of all dark places. I didn’t believe that I could ever have a healthy relationship with food or with my body. I was at the point where I had written suicide letters to all my family and loved ones. And you know what? I came back from that dark time in my life and you can too. Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help. I promise you that will be one of the hardest steps, but you will not regret it.

5 Things To Remember When Your Life Is Falling Apart

“Can’t Tell By Looking” Short Video

All the love,

A

Scar Removal #4

*Photos may be triggering

Update #3
Update #2
Update #1

I am so sorry I have not updated those of you who are following along with me on this journey. I actually posted a story and made it into a highlight on Instagram if you want to watch my latest update at ash.bernstein.

The treatments have been going well. After the micro needling session which is the last time I updated you all, we have been sticking strictly to lasering. More intense lasering on my arm and less intense on my leg, because the healing process has been taking a little longer on there.

The picture above shows how my scars are looking right now. They are red/pink due to healing. The texture of my skin has greatly approved and many of my friends who have seen the scars before I started my treatments, say they look a lot better. My scarring on my leg is being quite stubborn so I will need more treatments in that area.

Since I am open to sharing my journey with the public, during Mental Health week in February, I was asked to talk about my experience with mental health and self-injury. I was extremely lucky enough to have shared my story on CTV, pairing with Nu Image (link here) and on CBC during the early morning radio talk show (link to the article here).

Regardless if my scars ever completely disappear, I am forever grateful that I was able to share my story. I don’t care if it reached one person or 10. I got to bring awareness to self-injury, which is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I’ve also had a handful of people reach out to me, including one of my favourite professors from university, professional athletes I look up to and young students I hope to inspire. Being so transparent about my struggles has been hard and has made me feel extremely vulnerable at times, but every time I get a message thanking me for sharing my story, it makes it 100x worth it.

-A

The Lessons of Love

I think this post is going to be a lot more for myself, than for you guys (I’m sorry!!). But stay with me for a second. I want to go through all my old types of relationships, and explain what I learned from each of them.

“But Ashley, isn’t that a little cruel and harsh to your exes?”

Well for 1) I won’t use their real names and 2) I have nothing against the people of my past. I’ve come to learn that everyone enters your life for some kind of reason. I think all of them come with some kind of message or lesson.

Let’s begin!

My first love. Everyone has a first ‘love’. That first person that makes your heart flutter, your knees weak and your brain cloudy. I think this one for myself, was full of an important lesson. I wasn’t ready for love. I didn’t love myself enough, to be in love with another. I also couldn’t love someone else, into loving myself. If that makes sense. No matter how much love I could give another, if I couldn’t give that same amount of love to myself it wasn’t going to work. Simple as that. This first love for me could really have been two people from my past. They both taught me this extremely important lesson.

The love that got away. I truly don’t wish this kind of feeling on anyone. I think I could have fallen deeply in love with this person from my past, but my mind was to sick at the time, I didn’t treat them or any other people involved fairly. From this love, I learned that an unhealthy mental state makes you selfish, harsh and cold-hearted. It not only breaks your own heart, but it breaks the hearts of those around. I learned that loving someone with mental health problems is sometimes unbearable and isn’t always fair, especially when the person isn’t ready to get better.

The wrong place, wrong time love. I fell hard and fast into this love, engulfed by the perfect life we had set up for ourselves abroad. This love was in paradise, away from society, away from pressures and away from reality. This love taught me that I didn’t know myself well enough yet. I wasn’t sure what direction I wanted my life to go in and I wasn’t ready for that amount of love and commitment from another person. I learned that I hadn’t given myself enough time to learn who I was before I could possibly learn who I was with another person.

The love that tries to change you. This is still a tough love for me to talk about and reflect on. This person tore me down continuously and I don’t think they will ever really understand the damage they did (the fact that I am still in a negative mindset about this person, proves that I still have healing to do). This is the type of love that you never feel good enough for. You never feel pretty enough, or pure enough, or smart enough, or successful enough. This is the type of love that tries to mould you into the person they want you to be instead of loving you for the person you are and the potential you have within your own vision. This love caught me a lot. It taught me that I am enough. It taught me that if a person really wanted to change me that much, they didn’t deserve me. And it taught me that no person should ever feel that they are not good enough for someone.

The empty love. This is the type of love I’ve found myself in time and time again. It’s the love that you continually give more than you receive. You put this person first, make time for them in your busy schedule and often get lost in. It’s the type of love that you float blindlessly through, hoping that they will one day give back to you what you’ve given to them. These people left me feeling more empty. They play mind games. They trick you into thinking there is a future and they tip top around the word “commitment”. These people may not think they are doing anything wrong because “we’re just hanging out and having fun”. This type of love is tricky. You can’t convince them to want you as much as you want them. But you also can’t wait around forever. This type of love taught me, that sometimes the only company you need is yourself. Filling voids with people will not do any good in the long run.

I have a hard time letting go of things. I struggle holding grudges against people who have long gone forgotten about me. Holding onto lost love, hurt feelings and other negative things does nothing but hurt yourself. Reflecting on the types of love I’ve endured and felt has helped me realize the type of love I want. It has helped me move on and understand why things happened the way they did, and why certain people entered my life and then left. As hard as heart break is, I think one day it is something I will be grateful for. Thankful that I can share my lessons with you all and appreciative of the love I hope to one day find.

“There’s a trick to the ‘graceful exit.’ It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, or a relationship is over — and let it go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its past importance to our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving up, rather than out.”

Ellen Goodman

-A