I miss you.

I think sometimes, as humans, we just need to be told we’re missed by another person.

The “I miss you” words, don’t necessarily have to be said with intent, but they just need to be heard.

These words could come from an ex, a faraway friend, a long lost family member or anything in between, but these words are proof that you did make a difference in another person’s life. That your presence left an impression, one that they miss from time to time, or maybe a lot.

An “I miss you” could give you the comfort that another person thinks about you, maybe as much as you think of them.

It shows that you crossed their mind, that something in their day to day life, reminded them of you.

It proves that despite how things were left off with this person, they still have a positive memory of you, enough to miss you, to miss your presence, your smile, your laugh or simply your being.

Always remember that, even on your lonely days. Someone misses you. Someone out there is thinking about you. And someone enjoys you just the way you are.

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Almost.

The almost relationship.

The break up that you can’t even call a breakup because you never actually dated the person.

The heartbreak that you feel stupid for having because you don’t feel entitled to feeling hurt.

The wasted time, the lost words and the forgotten feelings.

Holding onto absolutely nothing.

And letting go of even less.

How do you get over something that was never there, to begin with?

How do you get that part of your smile back from someone who doesn’t even know they took anything from you?

Would you trade the almost love, the almost relationship, for not meeting this person at all?

Would you trade the laughs and memories, the things that now leave a bitter taste in your mouth?

 

Reflection.

I read an article the other night explaining how ‘love’ changes with every age. UGH, I KNOW GUYS. Here I go again on another rant about being broken-hearted and single and blah blah blah. BUT, that is not where I am going with this. As I read this article, unable to really connect much to it, I started to do a reflection of my year. I then rolled over and grabbed my phone, and started swiping through my pictures from this past year remembering the good and bad times.

How was my 2017?

Could I sum it up in one word?

I think the word I might choose is: chaos.

This year has been both amazing and heartbreaking for me. I won a lot of battles and had to fight quite a few as well. In 2017, I graduated and found a job I absolutely love. A job that is both fulfilling and exhausting, the way it should be in my eyes. I was surrounded by amazing people, but also got stabbed in the back by one too many of the people I thought respected me. I overcame a lot of personal battles, speaking out about my past with mental health, but I ignored the fact I still have a lot to face on that front. I stood up for myself when it came to the men I let into my life, but also found that I was still being walked all over.

Reading my last couple posts (after being made aware from a friend), I find that they do come off quite negative. The thing is, I am a very positive person if you ask the people that are around me frequently, but I do find I tend to concentrate and fixate on the negative things. I let the bad outweigh the good, no matter the severity of either side. With my job as a youth care worker, I spend the majority of my days, trying to convince the youth I work with to stay positive. To continue working on their goals and to continue pushing through their treatment and the trauma they’ve gone through in the past. After doing this consistently for 8-12 hours a day, I come home absolutely physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. These are the times I usually end up blogging. When I am all out of positive things and motivation. When I am at my lowest, and my mind is fixating on the negativity in my life, instead of the 10 smiles I put on the boys’ faces I worked with that day. This is when I take the frustration out on the people I care about, when I let my mind convince myself of negative ideologies and when instead of thinking about all the wonderful things I have going for me, I think about all the things I’m still lacking in my life.

I’m sorry to the people who have read my blog and left with a negative image of me. I am sorry to the people who think I am trying to throw pity parties for myself. I am neither a negative person nor am I trying to get people aboard my personal party of pity.

Life is a constant uphill battle for each and every one of us, and the way we each cope and deal with our struggles look different. I am 100% a very emotional person. When I am sad, every inch of my body feels it. When I am happy, I feel that happiness all the way to my soul.

With this year quickly coming to an end, and I continue to reflect on the many triumphs and challenges of this year, instead of talking and revisiting the negativity of certain situations, I am going to try and think about the lessons I learnt from each situation. Maybe I will post about these in the week(s) to come, maybe I won’t. But for those of you who have hung on strong all the way to the end of this lengthy post, I want you to remember and leave with this thought.

No one is perfect in this world, regardless of how they portray themselves on social media or in their day to day lives. Everybody has their own things going on. Everybody has their own battles to fight on a daily basis. All you can do personally is continue to treat people how you want to be treated yourselves. Try to see the world in a more positive view, concentrating on the beautiful things in life that often get overseen because negativity blinds each of us. Work hard. Be nice. And find something in every day that makes you smile and makes you happy to be alive.

-Ash

27 things I’m Going to Work on This Year

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Last year for my birthday I wrote the 26 things I learnt in 26 years of my life, so this year I’m changing it up. I’m going to talk about the things I want to work on this year. Basically like New Year resolutions, but wayyyy cooler.

To start off, I’d just like to state.. HOW ON EARTH AM I ALREADY 27.. what da heck!? I really need to step back and rethink the title of my blog since it’s starting to age me. (Hahaha- sarcastically laughing to make myself feel better).

I can’t believe the vision I used to have about this age when I was younger. I mean I feel like we all talked about how we thought we’d be married, having kids, with stable careers at this age. I would love all those things, but I also love the path I’m on. It’ll definitely make for great stories one day….

Here are the 27 things I’m going to work on, or continue working on this year!

1) Praise myself more often. I had a great conversation the other day with some clients at work. We talked about how our society is obsessed with always needing to do better, and that we never stop and appreciate how far we’ve come and praise ourselves for what we’ve accomplished. This year I want to stop and be thankful for how far I’ve come and for all the things I’ve accomplished.

2) Stop using ‘busy’ as an excuse. I’m a huge believer that a person can always make time for the things they want to in life, yet I am constantly making the excuse that I’m too busy to do things. I need to be more honest with my true feelings and stop using my work as an excuse.

3) On the same note, I need to stop being so busy, and start saying ‘no’ more often. I can’t do everything, I need to realize that before I work myself to the bone!

4) Tell people how much they mean to me more often.

5) Spend more quality time with my grandma.

6) Practise my Spanish more before I lose it.

7) Spend less time on my phone, specially right before bed.

8) Stop eating food in my bed. I’ve woken up to too many melted chocolate chips in my bed (I wish I was kidding).

9) Be better with my money. I’ve actually gotten a lot better, but I need to continue to save, and spend money on needs and not wants.

10) Listen to the men I bring into my life. I often get caught up making up love stories and situations in my head. But I need to stop and realize that if a boy isn’t making time for me, he doesn’t truly want to.

11) Read more!

12) Keep my room more organized.

13) Make time for the meaningful relationships in my life, like family and friends.

14) Forgiveness. Holding onto grudges hurts no one else except myself. I need to learn to let go and move on.

15) Don’t stress about the things I can’t control in my life. I can’t control what people say about me. I can’t control another persons feelings about me. I can only be kind and be myself.

16) Stop blocking people out of my life. Use my words to express my feelings and not the “block” button.

17) Disconnect more often from social media.

18) Find new passions that make me happy.

19) Cook and bake more.

20) Start the things I keep telling myself I’ll do later in life.

21) Take myself on dates. Buy myself flowers. Who needs a man for those things?

22) Stop unnecessarily filtering myself because I’m scared people won’t like who I am.

23) And at the same time, stop trying to filter others because I’m scared of how people will also view them (that’s not my problem).

24) Stop worrying so much about pleasing others, and please myself.

25) Stop filtering my emotions. I’m allowed to feel however I want to and don’t need to feel sorry for that.

26) Answer phone calls, texts, emails, etc. as soon as I can. It’s the adult thing to do.

27) Stop allowing an age define me and where I should be in life.

Meant to Meet

This is going to sound crazy. But do you ever meet people in your life and you know you were meant to meet them? I can make a distinct list. You meet these people for good reasons or bad reasons, but no matter the reason they teach you something and leave your life a little shaken.

I can’t be the only one who feels this way about certain people. I mean obviously everyone you meet, leaves an impact in some way even if its the smallest one, but the people I’m talking about are the ones that turn your world upside down.

I have one of those in my life right now. Teaching me all sorts of lessons and throwing me all kinds of curve balls. What I’ve learned the most in this curent situation, is I am not good at expressing myself very well. I bottle up my emotions way too much and for way too long. I feel bad because when I do this, it often leads to outbursts and over reactions, BUT (there’s always a but), I feel as though I have been open with a person more than I have been with another person in a very, very long time. I honestly don’t know how much more open I can be.

Yes, I know I am a lot. A lot to handle, a lot of emotions, a lot of bad history, but I am honest about these things. I have been honest about my intentions from day one, but yet I still find myself in this same situation time and time again. Not just friends, not dating. It’s more than frustrating.

I feel bad unloading my emotions on people. I don’t want to put my grievences or bad days on them. I get worried that it will scare them away, but I have found bottling my thoughts, can just as easy scare someone away.

Call me crazy, but I hope to one day end up with one of these people who walk into my life. The people that have turned my life upside down for a good reason, pushed me to be better (not change but be a better version of myself) and reensure the way I am is perfect. These are the people that I need and want in my life. And this is the type of person I hope to be with one day.

 

 

Walk Away or Stay

It’s officially my birthday month and growing one more year further from my mid-twenties when I first started this blog, to my late twenties where things are still unknown.

I’ve learned quite a lot since starting this blog. I think the most important thing is to always be honest with your thoughts, emotions, feelings, actions and everything else in between.  Not only should you be honest with yourself about these things, but be honest with the people around you as well.

In the past, I have lost so many nights of sleep overthinking situations, overthinking emotions and overthinking things I’ve done. But why?? What is the point of torturing myself for things I can’t even control a lot of the time? I have every right to feel certain ways. If someone hurts my feelings, why shouldn’t I be allowed to feel hurt or betrayed or misused. Maybe in another person’s eyes, I’m overreacting, or being over emotional, but you know what, who fricken cares?! Let me pout, let me feel. I will never numb or silence my emotions or feelings because they might make another person feel uncomfortable.

For the people who know me personally, they probably know I ‘feel’ a lot. I put my heart and soul into everything I do and I tend to take things extra personally. Yes, I know, this 100% gets me in trouble more than it may benefit me, but that is the way I am and I honestly don’t ever want to change it. Putting my heart into the things I do, makes me who I am. Makes me the person that I have grown to love, regardless if another person might find that hard to love.

I think the best things in life, are the things that make you uncomfortable. The things that push you to grow and be a better version of yourself. No, I am nowhere close to being perfect and no, I am nowhere close to not making mistakes on a daily, but I have come so far from the girl that would rather bite her tongue than risk telling another person how I’m feeling because they may walk away from me.

-A