Ghosting 101

*I found this post in my ‘drafts’ and decided to revisit and post it. I sometimes write in moments of anger or frustration, and by the post you are about to read, this was obviously one of them.  This is not meant to come across as rude or hurtful and I am not trying to target or single anyone out in particular.  I just felt I had to share my side and my viewpoint.
-A

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Okay, maybe we should start with what ‘ghosting’ is (in my understanding). It is the deletion of people from one’s social media (ie. Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, SnapChat, etc.). Harsh? I guess in some people’s views, but here is my side of it.

If we dated or were friends, and we fell apart for whatever reason, to me that is where it ends. Why would I want you to have an insight into my life or allow myself the insight into yours? You chose to no longer be a part of my life.  Why should you get to see the events that go on in my life, the things that make me smile or the new experiences that I am having? If you hurt me, you don’t deserve to see me smile anymore.

There is a quote that often pops up on my Twitter or Tumblr and it says something about: “If they blocked you, then you won.” This quote drives me crazy because this quote calls me out, it says I’m the weak one.  It tells me that I am letting my exes, old friends, and people that have broken my heart win.  But I don’t see it like that.  There is no winning when someone’s heart is broken, or a friendship is lost.  There is only loss. Why should it matter who blocks who?  Who can withstand seeing the other person or people happy without you the longest?  Not only do I not want to you to see my life, but I don’t want to allow myself to see yours’.

People think my actions are selfish and you know what, maybe in some people’s eyes they are and I’m not going to try and change their minds.  I would rather not see what my exes or old friends are doing via social media, and if that’s selfish of me, then so be it. You can call me childish or immature and you can tell me I’m just trying to hurt the people that have hurt me, but in reality, I’m stopping myself from obsessing over Instagram posts and  SnapChats.  If I want to find out how these people are, I’m forcing myself to have to text or call them, not just creep their profiles.

Across my social media accounts, I try to spread positivity. I want to be surrounded by people who will congratulate me on my successes and appreciate how I see the world through the pictures I post.  I live my life for me, not the likes.

-A

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Piece by piece..

puzzle-pieces

I was sitting in class the other day (clearly paying very good attention), and I was analysing my dating life, or for better words, the lack thereof.

Relationships and Ashley do no mix.  I have been super single for a super long time, and as much as I enjoy my independence and time to myself, I am ready to share my life with another person. But if there’s one thing I’ve learnt in life, is that everything has its own process. Things happen when you least expect them too.

I am always so quick to blame the other person in my relationships for not working; they were too controlling, they weren’t understanding enough, they weren’t supportive of me.. blah blah blah.. The most important thing about a relationship is knowing that you not only need to find someone who is willing to give a part of themselves to you, but you also need to be willing to give up parts of yourself. And that you are willing to take half the blame if it doesn’t go as planned. You need to be willing to hear two sides to every story, you need to be willing to not always put yourself first anymore and you need to be willing admit that your way of seeing things, maybe isn’t always the best way.

Personally, I find myself in the kind of relationships where one of us is always trying to ‘fix’ the other one. I claimed myself as the ‘rebound girl’ because I always find myself chasing after boys who just broke up with someone and of course the last thing these guys want at that moment is another girlfriend, but let me tell you, have I ever tried my darnest to convince them otherwise.  Of course, in the end, I am always the one who is left feeling broken and betrayed.

I see relationships as puzzles. Each person is a puzzle with missing pieces. When you are in a relationship, you give your pieces to another person to try and make their puzzle whole. If only one person in the relationship is doing this, then in a result, only one person will end up as a whole. If you are equally contributing back and worth to giving and taking pieces of each other’s puzzles, that’s how a relationship and life with someone else is built.

I am the kind of person who loves to give pieces of my puzzle to everyone. I am constantly giving, but it’s rare that I ever find someone who is willing to give an equal amount to me. So at the end of relationships, I always find myself missing more puzzle pieces than I started with. I end up feeling resentful, hurt, broken and empty. Is that my ex-partners’ fault? No, I wouldn’t say so. I am in control of my life, and it should be my job to realise when I am giving more than I am receiving.

It’s important to realise that the point of some relationships may simply be to teach you a lesson, about yourself and about what you want in life. Despite the negative outcomes of my past relationships, I have learnt something from each of them. I think after healing from every breakup, I have learnt the most important thing of all. That you should never put the blame solely on one person; not only on yourself and not only on the other person. A relationship is two people. Two faults. Two lessons. And two hearts that are being hurt. I need to remember that even the most heartless of boys have hearts too. 🙂

-A

Wanderlust: Central America

#MentalHealthAwarenessDay

A little belated of Mental Health Awareness Day, I have been motivated to write a post (also to avoid studying for my many midterms). Though I am very open now about my struggles, people still get awkward when asking me about my past with self-injury. I think the awkwardness is due to the misunderstanding, or just to not knowing about self-injury in general.

**warning, this may be triggering for people who have or still do suffer from self-harm.

Self-injury, self-harm, self-abuse or cutting, is surprisingly extremely relevant in our society, and very under talked about and under taught in schools.  I think it’s a very important topic, that needs to have light shown on it.  I still remember the first time I learnt about it before I started doing it.  I saw it on one of my favourite TV shows.  I remember thinking about it as something only ’emos’ do, aka people who wore all black, with dyed black hair and lots of piercings. To give a little background, in elementary and high school, I was probably known as the stereotypical, blond, popular girl.  In saying this, I am not bragging because I always hated being known as: ‘being part of the popular, mean girl group’, and I know I was.  But the point of this background information is I was not a stereotypical ‘cutter’.  In fact, most days I didn’t even hide my cuts, almost as a cry out for help, but no one ever came to my aid.

I started out scratching my skin with a nail file, just surface wounds, that brought no blood.  As I got more depressed, as the pressure in my life built up and as surrounding circumstances got worse, my mental health decreased, and I started cutting with razor blades that I would steal from my Dad’s toolbox. The cuts started off small and shallow, but as I got more comfortable and as the cutting worked to numb my emotions, the cuts got longer and deeper to the stage that I would have to steri-strip my skin together like makeshift stitches. I still have minimal feeling on the top of my arm (where I did the majority of my cutting) due to nerve damage.  Once the cutting got increasingly noticeable on my arm, I moved to my legs and hips.

Cutting is not a suicide attempt. Cutting is not something only ’emos’ do. Cutting is also not the only form of self-harm. There is also: burning, punching something to cause self-injury, picking at  the skin, hitting yourself to cause injury etc.  After my cutting scars started to draw unwanted attention to myself, I starting picking my skin and scabs.  Though self-injury itself is not a mental illness, it can definitely be a sign of a mental health problem.  For me, self-harm was a way of expressing all the hurt and pain I was feeling on the inside and putting it on the outside. I wasn’t able to express in words how I was feeling, so I expressed my negative pain and emotions on my skin. I emotionally felt numb, and cutting made me ‘feel’ something again.

Self-injury can be a way for people to help cope with depression, anxiety, loss, trauma, violence or other difficult situations.

I no longer suffer from or feel the need to self-harm.  I find that blogging and writing help me get my emotions out. I also have an amazing support system of friends who help me get through bad days.

Cutting is something that people should not be embarrassed about or have to hide.  I wear my scars with pride to show the hell I survived through. Do I wish I didn’t have the scars? Sure, but that doesn’t mean that I’m embarrassed by what I went through because I’m proud of the battle I fought and the strength I’ve built!

Please know that if you are suffering, you are not alone. There are so many options out there to help you. Many anonymous help sites and help lines you can call.
You are loved and your presence makes a difference in the world whether you notice it or not.

Please feel free to ask me any questions or message me if you need to talk. I am a great listener!

Love always,

-Ash

For further information or more clarity on this topic go to:
http://www.cmha.ca/mental-health/understanding-mental-illness/self-injury/