Congratulations for what?

I sit here, at the end of my degree(s) wondering where to go. I should be happy and proud of my accomplishment. But I sit here feeling empty, lost and alone.

I know why I feel this way, I wouldn’t be a graduated sociologist if I didn’t. I finished my degrees not for myself, but for the people around me. To make my parents proud, to feel as accomplished as my friends and to be accepted in society.

University was not the right path for me, I’ve known that for the past couple years. I’ve known that since the moment I cried to my dad in fear of not being able to finish, I’ve known since I’ve cried myself to sleep numerous times in frustration and I’ve known by watching my falling grades in devastation since year 2.

So why did I finish? Why did I put myself through the torture of sleepless nights, unexplainable amounts of anxiety and the pain of failure in my heart? Because I was supposed to right? Because if I didn’t I wouldn’t be successful in life right? Because if I dropped out I would be a quitter.

These are not things I make up in my head, they are things people have said to me. They are words from other’s mouths, through text messages and through societal expectations of my generation.

School was not for me.

But I finished.

So I guess that deserves a celebration, even though my heart is still lost and alone in a world that expects too much.

Let’s Talk About Sex Baby..

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Well now that I have your attention, let’s get down to the real topic.. haha just kidding, it is sex.  Sex, casual dating, hookups and everything in between.

My interest in this topic sparked when I read an article from Elephant Journal (which I will have linked below).  I don’t always agree with everything Elephant Journal writes about, but they always bring up very interesting topics.  Once I clicked on this article, more and more began to appear on the topic of dating and the hookup culture.

This topic probably sparks my interest so much cause I am literally right in the center of it all. Desperately hoping I will not be single for the rest of my life.  The issue for me is, maybe I want to be.  With all the options out there today to connect with people all over the world, are people really ever going to be completely satisfied with one person for the rest of their lives.  Obviously, being an optimist, I hope so, but if you look at all the stats nowadays, it frightens me a little bit.

Before the time of Facebook and Tinder, people met through friends, family, and proximity (meaning the area you live in), now our options to meet future partners are literally endless.  I have people from around the world that add me on social media accounts. There are ways to connect with almost any person you can possibly imagine. Tinder now has the option to swipe anywhere you want in the world and there are not only local dating sites but also worldwide ones.  With all these options out there, is anyone ever going to be 100% satisfied with just having me?

I’m not going to put the blame entirely on our culture because I know for a fact the men I usually go for are known to have a wandering eye but I’ve literally gotten to the point in my dating life, where I feel the need to state: “I am not only looking to have sex with you” on every first date I go on.  Is sex really a requirement for first dates, because that is how it feels.

Women tend to get the wrath for a lot of things in our society.  Yes, I do take a lot of women focused university classes, so I get to see and study a lot of first-hand things that happen to women in our world, so maybe that’s why I tend to notice it a lot more in my everyday life as well, but seriously.  The United States just elected a man who used the phrase “grab ’em by their pussy”, to run their country….  Please try and tell me that women and men are treated equally in today’s world. This unequal treatment translates over to dating. I feel like when it comes to casual dating and the hookup culture, women aren’t allowed to do it.  Men make the rules and women try to keep up with them. “Is it too soon to text him?” “Is it slutty, if I’m talking to more than one guy at once?” “Will he think I’m too clingy if I ask him to hang out, instead of waiting for him to ask me?”  The unwritten rules of casual dating (for women only), because it’s a game after all, right? **insert eye roll

In saying this, I am going to make a disclaimer and say that it’s not the case that men don’t also get the wrath, for example, the term: fuckboy.  This was created just for men.  I’ve also heard multiple men say that women have just started classifying all men into this category and there are men out there that aren’t like this (IF YOU ARE ONE OF THESE MEN AND YOU ARE READING THIS, PLEASE CONTACT ME.. hahah)

For me, I can’t just have sex with someone and not catch feelings for them, I don’t know if that’s a personal trait or if that’s a female trait, but sorry hookup culture, you aren’t for me. Sex is great and all, but you know what’s even better?? Sex when you care about the other person and when the only thought in your head isn’t just about your own pleasure but also of theirs.  Maybe that’s a personal choice I need to make.  To start refusing to only be used as a late night booty call, and wait for someone who is willing to share themselves with me.. Maybe I need to accept that lonely nights, will be worth finding a life long partner in the end.

I know I will be easily criticised for writing any part of this blog entry. Rule number one is people, women especially, don’t openly have public conversations about sex, especially casual sex, sex before marriage and sex with more than one partner.  And in writing this, it makes it sound like I’m breaking all of these rules. I still believe in the sacred-sy of sex, but I can not explain the difficulty of trying to start a relationship in the midst of this sex-obsessed culture.

Agree or disagree with me, please have an open mind on this topic.

-A

*Below I have linked the two articles that sparked this blog post!! High recommend reading, especially the Vanity Fair one!

Elephant Journal Article

Vanity Fair Article

Ghosting 101

*I found this post in my ‘drafts’ and decided to revisit and post it. I sometimes write in moments of anger or frustration, and by the post you are about to read, this was obviously one of them.  This is not meant to come across as rude or hurtful and I am not trying to target or single anyone out in particular.  I just felt I had to share my side and my viewpoint.
-A

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Okay, maybe we should start with what ‘ghosting’ is (in my understanding). It is the deletion of people from one’s social media (ie. Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, SnapChat, etc.). Harsh? I guess in some people’s views, but here is my side of it.

If we dated or were friends, and we fell apart for whatever reason, to me that is where it ends. Why would I want you to have an insight into my life or allow myself the insight into yours? You chose to no longer be a part of my life.  Why should you get to see the events that go on in my life, the things that make me smile or the new experiences that I am having? If you hurt me, you don’t deserve to see me smile anymore.

There is a quote that often pops up on my Twitter or Tumblr and it says something about: “If they blocked you, then you won.” This quote drives me crazy because this quote calls me out, it says I’m the weak one.  It tells me that I am letting my exes, old friends, and people that have broken my heart win.  But I don’t see it like that.  There is no winning when someone’s heart is broken, or a friendship is lost.  There is only loss. Why should it matter who blocks who?  Who can withstand seeing the other person or people happy without you the longest?  Not only do I not want to you to see my life, but I don’t want to allow myself to see yours’.

People think my actions are selfish and you know what, maybe in some people’s eyes they are and I’m not going to try and change their minds.  I would rather not see what my exes or old friends are doing via social media, and if that’s selfish of me, then so be it. You can call me childish or immature and you can tell me I’m just trying to hurt the people that have hurt me, but in reality, I’m stopping myself from obsessing over Instagram posts and  SnapChats.  If I want to find out how these people are, I’m forcing myself to have to text or call them, not just creep their profiles.

Across my social media accounts, I try to spread positivity. I want to be surrounded by people who will congratulate me on my successes and appreciate how I see the world through the pictures I post.  I live my life for me, not the likes.

-A

When it Rains, it Pours.


The title of this blog could literally not suit my current situation any better. I honestly don’t know if I broke like a couple mirrors and am currently living out my 8 years of bad luck, or what the deal is..

For those of you who don’t know, I have seizures. We can’t seem to figure out the reason why I get them.  There’s no history in my family and nothing abnormal comes back on my scans and tests I get done. That alone if beyond frustrating. Every time I get a seizure, I lose my license my 6 months. Again, beyond frustrating. And to put the cherry, on this already not so pleasant sundae, I have to go on seizure medication which has the most outrageous side effects, including memory loss, speech problems, appetite and personality change and the most ridiculous and vivid dreams.

Though all those things are frustrating and just altogether suck, I constantly remind myself that it could be worse and there are people out there that have it worse than me.

A few nights ago I got in a car accident. It was pretty bad, bad enough that my car is totalled, but luckily I walked away with just burns and bruises. Again after this situation, after I asked myself repeatedly: “Why me?”, I again reminded myself that things could be worse. I could have been more injured, etc etc..

In life, we are given so many trials. We are pushed and pulled and put in situations where we are given the choice to feel bad for ourselves, or make the best out of our situations.

Though I would like to hide away in my bed, and sit in a familiar medicated daze, I am choosing happiness this time. I am choosing to look on the bright side and to surround myself with people who will tell me they miss my smile when it’s not on my face.

I have a phrase that I like to say when I get frustrated and feel hurt: “It’s fine”. And in the moments I usually say this phrase, it isn’t fine, I’m not going to lie. But by saying this phrase, I’m reminding myself that it will be fine again, and by saying this, I am reassuring myself that the hurt I am feeling in that moment will subside, it will go away.

There are no rainbows without rain and by the way, who doesn’t like a good dance in the rain anyway.

A.

I just want simplicity. I am done with playing mind games.
If you like me, tell me.
If you enjoy my company, spend time with me.
I am not looking for a fairytale romance.
I just want companionship. Someone who will ask me how my day was, and console me when it didn’t go how I expected it to.
I want someone to challenge me in my wrongs, and help me find a way of making the wrongs into rights.
I want a best friend to share and make memories with.
To find common goals, passions and dreams with.

It’s hard to keep telling yourself that there’s is someone out there when the thought of a person is always in your mind. I know in the end it will be worth it. I just need to keep reminding myself of this.

Meeting of the Souls

I use to believe in soulmates. That there was one person for everyone in the world, and when you met this person you would just know. You would have one of those movie moments, where the world stops moving, your heart stops beating and you momentarily forget how to breathe. It’s funny because I can pick out these moments for certain people from my past. The moment where we each met and had a movie like “meet-cute” (if you know the movie I’m quoting, we can definitely be best friends haha).
I no longer believe that everyone has just one soulmate in the world. I think we all have multiple ones and surrounding factors, efforts and timing all determine whether or not certain soulmates end up being the one.
Love isn’t easy and it isn’t all about fairy tale endings. In love you have to work your butt off to make it work. You have to love yourself first, but also be willing to make many sacrifices. Love is about giving and taking, and fighting to keep a balance between the two.

I love being in love, I love falling in love, but let me tell you, there is no worse feeling than the feeling of giving too much of yourself and not getting enough in return.

After this past year, I have learned so much about what I want in life, for myself and within my future soulmate. I want someone who constantly challenges me to be the best version of myself, I want someone who will point out my wrongs, but also someone who will help me turn them into rights. I know God has someone for me, and I am constantly reminding myself that He will show him to me at the right time.

I pray that you all find the kind of love you deserve and settle for nothing less than that. 🙂

so.. this is 25?

As I sit here at the university with 4 papers, 10 forum posts, and a 20 page take home final to write I find my mind wondering. Is this really the life we’re all intended to have. School, work, die.  Even writing that, it just sounds so depressing.  I am entering my final year of school (for this degree, **eye roll) and I cannot wait to.. hold a piece of paper and say “I did it”.  I wrote countless numbers of papers, had way too many sleepless, anxiety-filled nights, took one too many classes learning things that I will never use again.. hmm okay. I know I sound extremely stuck up and over-privileged, but I just can’t grasp the concept that this is all there is to life. I am beyond thankful to have gotten an education and lucky enough to have my parents help pay for it. I just wish I could see what my future looks like at this moment. I want to know that all this hard work and stress will be worth it in the end. I want to know my broken heart will one day be loved and appreciated by someone.  I want to know that money will not be something I focus my life on. I would be happy to work at a minimal paying job as long as it’s something I wake up every day wanting and loving to do.
The unknowns of the 20s, both a blessing and a curse.tumblr_o493khQd6C1rnsok6o1_1280