Have no fear, Ashley is here.. to be the crash test dummy when it comes to dating in 2017.
First off, let’s just clear the table.. Where have I been for the last two months? Same place, doing the same things. haha Just kidding. I actually graduated in June and got a real life job. **Hold the applause. Going from working 5 part-time jobs, to a real life job, sounds like a dream come true, until I find myself working six 12 hour shifts in a row and missing out on all the fun summer things. Real life can kiss my butt haha (but seriously).
Okay, back to the reason for this post. Dating. The bane of my existence. The sour milk to my perfect cup of coffee and the clouds to a sunny summer day. Yea, yea, I know I’m being dramatic, but if you’ve lived my past couple years of dating, you’d understand where I’m coming from.
“Boys are just intimidated by you!”, “You’re too busy to date anyway!”, “Maybe you need to go for a different type of guy.”, I’ve heard every excuse and advice on dating that you could possibly think of, and guess what? I’m still single. I’ve gone for the “nice guy”, the “bad guy”, the “sporty guy” the “smart guy”, you name it, I’ve probably gone on a date with it. And after all of this “life experience,” we’ll call it, I still don’t know what I’m doing wrong.
Let’s start from the beginning. Meeting boys. The real question is how do single ladies even meet single men now a day? It’s not like I’m a hermit crab. I go out to coffee shops (probably too many of them if we’re being honest here), I’m a member at multiple gyms (again, probably too many) and I also like to go out to bars and pubs.. but 99% of the time no one comes up to me. Believe me, it’s not like in the movies, boys aren’t begging to buy me drinks, or offering to pay for my coffee. Cute guys don’t come up to me, saying cute one liners that make me blush. It’s usually an accidental butt graze and a creepy one-eye closed smile at 2:30am when the bar lights come on and people are getting kicked out of the club I’m at.. yea sign me up for that please.. not.
Tinder, let’s just get this one out of the way. Yea, I’m on Tinder and no I won’t message you first if we match. Here’s the issue I see with Tinder. Since I live in a smaller city you could call it, I know AT LEAST 75% of the guys on Tinder. Out of that, at least 50% of those guys follow me on some sort of social media or we’re Facebook friends. Do you really need to match me on Tinder to get the initiative to talk to me????? Why not just message me?? Or better yet, talk to me in person when we see each other out! Clearly with the amount of selfies and dog pictures I take, I’M STILL SINGLE. If I see you on TInder and I know you in actual real life, I will not swipe right on you. If you liked me enough you would talk to me in person.. Am I being too sceptical? Probably, but I don’t really care.
Okay, so say we’ve made it past the stage of getting asked out (or let’s be honest, asking the person out yourself) we move onto the oh-so-important texting stage. My personal favourite, because now it becomes a team effort of screen shotting text conversations and sending them to your all-girl group chats to try and figure out what to say back.. Oh you didn’t think we actually did this?? Sorry to burst your bubble, but we do. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m completely fed up and over this stage. I don’t like the texting games of “should I text him first” or “is it too soon to text him back” BS. Tell me to have a great day in the morning, maybe send a cute text in the afternoon and a nice “how was your day?” at night and I’ll be perfectly pleased. If you want to hang out, ASK ME, don’t assume I know, because I am a huge believer that: “Assuming makes an ASS out of U and ME”. haha
Okay, onto the actually ‘dating stage’ if you’re lucky enough to have made it here (most of the time I don’t because I get fed up of the texting and snap chatting phase) I think guys have forgotten how to take a girl on a date. A date is not watching Netflix at your place, with a possible offering of some kind of beverage (usually water because anything else takes too much effort). A date is not a 12am text on a Saturday night. Boys, those are straight up booty calls. Let me say that to you again. BOO-TAY calls. And hey, there’s nothing wrong with a good booty call, but be honest if that’s all you want. Remember, communication is key. If you don’t want to be called a f*ck boy, player or any other term in that category, claim a booty call for what it is, and don’t lead a poor girl on, thinking it’s something it’s not. **Spoiler alert, I’m usually the poor girl thinking it’s something it’s not.
Please, dating world, let’s try to rewind the time. Let’s appreciate and respect each other the way we all deserve to be treated. Stop the mind games, stop the dating of multiple people at once. If you like someone, tell them, don’t assume they know. If you just like their booty, make sure you draw the line so you’re not leading them on. Life is too short, don’t waste your time or other people’s time on fake love, or false feelings.
Respect. Communication. Truth.
That’s all I ask for.
Is that really too much?
I sit here, at the end of my degree(s) wondering where to go. I should be happy and proud of my accomplishment. But I sit here feeling empty, lost and alone.
I know why I feel this way, I wouldn’t be a graduated sociologist if I didn’t. I finished my degrees not for myself, but for the people around me. To make my parents proud, to feel as accomplished as my friends and to be accepted in society.
University was not the right path for me, I’ve known that for the past couple years. I’ve known that since the moment I cried to my dad in fear of not being able to finish, I’ve known since I’ve cried myself to sleep numerous times in frustration and I’ve known by watching my falling grades in devastation since year 2.
So why did I finish? Why did I put myself through the torture of sleepless nights, unexplainable amounts of anxiety and the pain of failure in my heart? Because I was supposed to right? Because if I didn’t I wouldn’t be successful in life right? Because if I dropped out I would be a quitter.
These are not things I make up in my head, they are things people have said to me. They are words from other’s mouths, through text messages and through societal expectations of my generation.
School was not for me.
But I finished.
So I guess that deserves a celebration, even though my heart is still lost and alone in a world that expects too much.
Well now that I have your attention, let’s get down to the real topic.. haha just kidding, it is sex. Sex, casual dating, hookups and everything in between.
My interest in this topic sparked when I read an article from Elephant Journal (which I will have linked below). I don’t always agree with everything Elephant Journal writes about, but they always bring up very interesting topics. Once I clicked on this article, more and more began to appear on the topic of dating and the hookup culture.
This topic probably sparks my interest so much cause I am literally right in the center of it all. Desperately hoping I will not be single for the rest of my life. The issue for me is, maybe I want to be. With all the options out there today to connect with people all over the world, are people really ever going to be completely satisfied with one person for the rest of their lives. Obviously, being an optimist, I hope so, but if you look at all the stats nowadays, it frightens me a little bit.
Before the time of Facebook and Tinder, people met through friends, family, and proximity (meaning the area you live in), now our options to meet future partners are literally endless. I have people from around the world that add me on social media accounts. There are ways to connect with almost any person you can possibly imagine. Tinder now has the option to swipe anywhere you want in the world and there are not only local dating sites but also worldwide ones. With all these options out there, is anyone ever going to be 100% satisfied with just having me?
I’m not going to put the blame entirely on our culture because I know for a fact the men I usually go for are known to have a wandering eye but I’ve literally gotten to the point in my dating life, where I feel the need to state: “I am not only looking to have sex with you” on every first date I go on. Is sex really a requirement for first dates, because that is how it feels.
Women tend to get the wrath for a lot of things in our society. Yes, I do take a lot of women focused university classes, so I get to see and study a lot of first-hand things that happen to women in our world, so maybe that’s why I tend to notice it a lot more in my everyday life as well, but seriously. The United States just elected a man who used the phrase “grab ’em by their pussy”, to run their country…. Please try and tell me that women and men are treated equally in today’s world. This unequal treatment translates over to dating. I feel like when it comes to casual dating and the hookup culture, women aren’t allowed to do it. Men make the rules and women try to keep up with them. “Is it too soon to text him?” “Is it slutty, if I’m talking to more than one guy at once?” “Will he think I’m too clingy if I ask him to hang out, instead of waiting for him to ask me?” The unwritten rules of casual dating (for women only), because it’s a game after all, right? **insert eye roll
In saying this, I am going to make a disclaimer and say that it’s not the case that men don’t also get the wrath, for example, the term: fuckboy. This was created just for men. I’ve also heard multiple men say that women have just started classifying all men into this category and there are men out there that aren’t like this (IF YOU ARE ONE OF THESE MEN AND YOU ARE READING THIS, PLEASE CONTACT ME.. hahah)
For me, I can’t just have sex with someone and not catch feelings for them, I don’t know if that’s a personal trait or if that’s a female trait, but sorry hookup culture, you aren’t for me. Sex is great and all, but you know what’s even better?? Sex when you care about the other person and when the only thought in your head isn’t just about your own pleasure but also of theirs. Maybe that’s a personal choice I need to make. To start refusing to only be used as a late night booty call, and wait for someone who is willing to share themselves with me.. Maybe I need to accept that lonely nights, will be worth finding a life long partner in the end.
I know I will be easily criticised for writing any part of this blog entry. Rule number one is people, women especially, don’t openly have public conversations about sex, especially casual sex, sex before marriage and sex with more than one partner. And in writing this, it makes it sound like I’m breaking all of these rules. I still believe in the sacred-sy of sex, but I can not explain the difficulty of trying to start a relationship in the midst of this sex-obsessed culture.
Agree or disagree with me, please have an open mind on this topic.
*Below I have linked the two articles that sparked this blog post!! High recommend reading, especially the Vanity Fair one!
*I found this post in my ‘drafts’ and decided to revisit and post it. I sometimes write in moments of anger or frustration, and by the post you are about to read, this was obviously one of them. This is not meant to come across as rude or hurtful and I am not trying to target or single anyone out in particular. I just felt I had to share my side and my viewpoint.
Okay, maybe we should start with what ‘ghosting’ is (in my understanding). It is the deletion of people from one’s social media (ie. Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, SnapChat, etc.). Harsh? I guess in some people’s views, but here is my side of it.
If we dated or were friends, and we fell apart for whatever reason, to me that is where it ends. Why would I want you to have an insight into my life or allow myself the insight into yours? You chose to no longer be a part of my life. Why should you get to see the events that go on in my life, the things that make me smile or the new experiences that I am having? If you hurt me, you don’t deserve to see me smile anymore.
There is a quote that often pops up on my Twitter or Tumblr and it says something about: “If they blocked you, then you won.” This quote drives me crazy because this quote calls me out, it says I’m the weak one. It tells me that I am letting my exes, old friends, and people that have broken my heart win. But I don’t see it like that. There is no winning when someone’s heart is broken, or a friendship is lost. There is only loss. Why should it matter who blocks who? Who can withstand seeing the other person or people happy without you the longest? Not only do I not want to you to see my life, but I don’t want to allow myself to see yours’.
People think my actions are selfish and you know what, maybe in some people’s eyes they are and I’m not going to try and change their minds. I would rather not see what my exes or old friends are doing via social media, and if that’s selfish of me, then so be it. You can call me childish or immature and you can tell me I’m just trying to hurt the people that have hurt me, but in reality, I’m stopping myself from obsessing over Instagram posts and SnapChats. If I want to find out how these people are, I’m forcing myself to have to text or call them, not just creep their profiles.
Across my social media accounts, I try to spread positivity. I want to be surrounded by people who will congratulate me on my successes and appreciate how I see the world through the pictures I post. I live my life for me, not the likes.
The title of this blog could literally not suit my current situation any better. I honestly don’t know if I broke like a couple mirrors and am currently living out my 8 years of bad luck, or what the deal is..
For those of you who don’t know, I have seizures. We can’t seem to figure out the reason why I get them. There’s no history in my family and nothing abnormal comes back on my scans and tests I get done. That alone if beyond frustrating. Every time I get a seizure, I lose my license my 6 months. Again, beyond frustrating. And to put the cherry, on this already not so pleasant sundae, I have to go on seizure medication which has the most outrageous side effects, including memory loss, speech problems, appetite and personality change and the most ridiculous and vivid dreams.
Though all those things are frustrating and just altogether suck, I constantly remind myself that it could be worse and there are people out there that have it worse than me.
A few nights ago I got in a car accident. It was pretty bad, bad enough that my car is totalled, but luckily I walked away with just burns and bruises. Again after this situation, after I asked myself repeatedly: “Why me?”, I again reminded myself that things could be worse. I could have been more injured, etc etc..
In life, we are given so many trials. We are pushed and pulled and put in situations where we are given the choice to feel bad for ourselves, or make the best out of our situations.
Though I would like to hide away in my bed, and sit in a familiar medicated daze, I am choosing happiness this time. I am choosing to look on the bright side and to surround myself with people who will tell me they miss my smile when it’s not on my face.
I have a phrase that I like to say when I get frustrated and feel hurt: “It’s fine”. And in the moments I usually say this phrase, it isn’t fine, I’m not going to lie. But by saying this phrase, I’m reminding myself that it will be fine again, and by saying this, I am reassuring myself that the hurt I am feeling in that moment will subside, it will go away.
There are no rainbows without rain and by the way, who doesn’t like a good dance in the rain anyway.
I just want simplicity. I am done with playing mind games.
If you like me, tell me.
If you enjoy my company, spend time with me.
I am not looking for a fairytale romance.
I just want companionship. Someone who will ask me how my day was, and console me when it didn’t go how I expected it to.
I want someone to challenge me in my wrongs, and help me find a way of making the wrongs into rights.
I want a best friend to share and make memories with.
To find common goals, passions and dreams with.
It’s hard to keep telling yourself that there’s is someone out there when the thought of a person is always in your mind. I know in the end it will be worth it. I just need to keep reminding myself of this.