Heart-Break Cafe.

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  I sit, as I have before, feeling alone, heartbroken and empty. The feeling you get when you fail an exam, or you don’t get the job you applied for. The feeling that leaves you speechless, regretful and numb.

Why did I let myself get here again? Why did I allow a person have this control over me yet another time? Why did I ever believe it would be different?

I’m frustrated that I never get the chance to share my life with another person. I’m upset that yet again, I let myself believe that a person might actually want to be with me. And I’m extremely sad, that I allowed myself to trust someone enough and let them into my life and my thoughts.

Time is the most valuable thing you can give someone. Not money, not bought items, not flowers or jewelry. But memories, deep conversations, late night laughs and minutes of your day. The worst thing is when you regret giving this time to a person. When you don’t learn a lesson or leave with happy memories or thoughts. When you’re left with words to say, and no one there to listen.

How do you move forward, when unsaid words feel like weights holding you back? How do you make sense of a situation when you’re still confused at what really went wrong?

I would rather spend time alone, then spend time with someone who makes me feel even more alone when they leave.

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My purpose.

Do you ever wonder if we were each put on this earth to do a certain thing? To change something. To create something. To save someone. I often wonder why I’m here. Why I was born where I was born. Why I’ve made the life choices I’ve made so far. At the time I was making the choices they were all for a certain reason, but I wonder in the end if it’ll all add up to something.

I often think about my grandma who passed almost two and a half years ago. I asked her once if she had any regrets in life. I was hoping for a witty, sassy response because that’s the kind of lady she was, but her answer wasn’t what I was looking for. If she was still alive, I would ask her so many questions about life. I would ask her if she found her reason.

This world is so much bigger than me, and I feel like I’m being consumed by it. I’m letting it break down me down and wear me out. My mind is always running at high speed. Overthinking. Over-analyzing. I’m constantly searching for love or trying to make myself into something I’m not. I’m trying to break out of the mold, at the same time I’m trying to fit into it.

I let other people tell me I’m not good enough, and I let these people’s thoughts pollute my mind. I constantly try to be this perfect poster board cut out, at the same time as I let depression and anxiety eat at my brain.

I let people walk all over me, though I tell myself I don’t deserve it. I let people use and abuse me for their pleasure until I’m empty and feel nothing at all.

But where does it end? Where do I find my reason in this all? When do I get my time?

I often say that we create our own happiness. I believe this 100%. I can sit here and pout about the past all I want, but in reality, it’s never going to get me anywhere. The thing is, I feel as though I create the perfect situations for me to be happy, but I never reach that point. There’s always something missing. Maybe the thing missing is my purpose, and life’s just not ready to show it to me yet.

Meant to Meet

This is going to sound crazy. But do you ever meet people in your life and you know you were meant to meet them? I can make a distinct list. You meet these people for good reasons or bad reasons, but no matter the reason they teach you something and leave your life a little shaken.

I can’t be the only one who feels this way about certain people. I mean obviously everyone you meet, leaves an impact in some way even if its the smallest one, but the people I’m talking about are the ones that turn your world upside down.

I have one of those in my life right now. Teaching me all sorts of lessons and throwing me all kinds of curve balls. What I’ve learned the most in this curent situation, is I am not good at expressing myself very well. I bottle up my emotions way too much and for way too long. I feel bad because when I do this, it often leads to outbursts and over reactions, BUT (there’s always a but), I feel as though I have been open with a person more than I have been with another person in a very, very long time. I honestly don’t know how much more open I can be.

Yes, I know I am a lot. A lot to handle, a lot of emotions, a lot of bad history, but I am honest about these things. I have been honest about my intentions from day one, but yet I still find myself in this same situation time and time again. Not just friends, not dating. It’s more than frustrating.

I feel bad unloading my emotions on people. I don’t want to put my grievences or bad days on them. I get worried that it will scare them away, but I have found bottling my thoughts, can just as easy scare someone away.

Call me crazy, but I hope to one day end up with one of these people who walk into my life. The people that have turned my life upside down for a good reason, pushed me to be better (not change but be a better version of myself) and reensure the way I am is perfect. These are the people that I need and want in my life. And this is the type of person I hope to be with one day.

 

 

Just Cause.

I want to travel the world and explore beautiful cites where I am unknown.

I want to sit in little coffee shops, spending the day getting lost in my own thoughts and the warmth of a cup of coffee.

I want to smell the familiar scent of your skin and get lost in the depth of your eyes.

I want to have meaningful conversations, that end in fits of laughter and the realization that we take life too seriously.

I want to watch the sunrise and sunset on the same day.

I want to spend a day without having to look at my phone screen.

I want a “thinking of you” phone call instead of text message.

I want to spend a cold winter day, snuggled in my bed.

I want money to not direct my work life.

I want someone to only want me, as broken and weird and lost as I may be at times.

I want a good morning kiss on the forehead.

I want the comfort of a meaningful hug.

 

Walk Away or Stay

It’s officially my birthday month and growing one more year further from my mid-twenties when I first started this blog, to my late twenties where things are still unknown.

I’ve learned quite a lot since starting this blog. I think the most important thing is to always be honest with your thoughts, emotions, feelings, actions and everything else in between.  Not only should you be honest with yourself about these things, but be honest with the people around you as well.

In the past, I have lost so many nights of sleep overthinking situations, overthinking emotions and overthinking things I’ve done. But why?? What is the point of torturing myself for things I can’t even control a lot of the time? I have every right to feel certain ways. If someone hurts my feelings, why shouldn’t I be allowed to feel hurt or betrayed or misused. Maybe in another person’s eyes, I’m overreacting, or being over emotional, but you know what, who fricken cares?! Let me pout, let me feel. I will never numb or silence my emotions or feelings because they might make another person feel uncomfortable.

For the people who know me personally, they probably know I ‘feel’ a lot. I put my heart and soul into everything I do and I tend to take things extra personally. Yes, I know, this 100% gets me in trouble more than it may benefit me, but that is the way I am and I honestly don’t ever want to change it. Putting my heart into the things I do, makes me who I am. Makes me the person that I have grown to love, regardless if another person might find that hard to love.

I think the best things in life, are the things that make you uncomfortable. The things that push you to grow and be a better version of yourself. No, I am nowhere close to being perfect and no, I am nowhere close to not making mistakes on a daily, but I have come so far from the girl that would rather bite her tongue than risk telling another person how I’m feeling because they may walk away from me.

-A

 

What it’s Like to Love Someone Who’s Killing Themselves

I fought off writing this for a long time for a couple reasons. I never felt like it was my story to tell. I also felt like it was super sad and depressing to talk about.

But I’ve realized that anything in my life that has shaped me is part of my story and I know I’m not the only one in this situation so maybe writing this post will help me connect with other people.

Loving someone who is killing themselves through the means of an addiction is the most painful thing I will probably ever have to live through. I used to blame myself, always questioning if there were things I could have done or said that would help this person from the destiny they continue to choose for themselves. I wondered if it was my actions that turned them to drink themselves into their unconscious state day after day.

“Maybe if I was smarter, more well behaved, had bigger achievements.. etc. etc.,” were questions I asked myself every day.

Every glimmer of hope I saw, I would hold onto, hoping that one day they would wake up and choose life over their addiction. That they would choose family over an intoxicated haze. And again and again, every piece of hope would be ripped from my fingers.

People will tell you to just keep loving them to the best of your ability. Just keep praying for them. Just keep holding onto to hope that one day it’ll be different. But what they don’t see is the relapses where hope is torn from your hands over and over again.

People don’t talk about the missed birthdays, Christmases and other holidays. They don’t talk about the awkward conversations when people ask where they are, why they look so ill or how they got all those bruises all over their bodies.

You have to watch people judge your family, wondering why we’re not trying to help them more, and not knowing we’re helping them the best we can.

They don’t know what it’s like to have the person you love one day and an addiction stricken monster the next. They don’t know what it’s like to blame yourself into a depression. To compare yourself and wonder if you’ll ever end up drowning in addiction too.

Loving someone who is killing themselves hurts, it hurts every single day. It leaves your heart feeling empty and hopeless. And you live for the sober days, the sober conversations, the sober hugs and “I love you”s. Because even on the most hopeless days, hope is all you really have to hold on to, and hope is what we continue to do.