Life Update.

What’s up What’s up!

I feel like I haven’t just taken a second to sit down an debrief my current life situation. Even if none of you care, I think it’s healthy for myself to see where I’m at, where I want to be and everything else in between.

I just finished doing a talk with a few teens at my old high school. I think it’s absolutely amazing, that mental health and well being is talked about so much more now than when I was there 10 years ago. I wish more than anything, that when I was in grade 10 they brought in someone like me to talk to them, to tell them that everything would be okay and that the things that seem so life-threatening and important, will be so small when you look back from where I am now.

Work. I took a quick trip to Calgary for my birthday and for a breather. I love Regina, but sometimes it’s suffocating. This place can feel so small and intertwined when you’ve grown up here. Calgary really helped me reset my goals and made me appreciate the smaller things about Regina. I’m hoping to move to Calgary in 2019. So that is my current motivation to keep me hustling.

Body. I am probably the most out of shape I’ve been in a while. But that is OK. Of course, there are things I would like to improve, BUT I feel happy in my body. I feel motivated at my workouts again after taking some time away. I like my curves. It’s all about balance. I’ve also been loving yoga lately. Taking an hour a day to slow down and be mindful.

Love. Non-existent and I’m loving it. Every time I start missing someone, I stop and think about what exactly I miss about that person. A lot of the time I miss companionship, so I will just text one of my best friends instead. I still get that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think of certain people, but I think the fact that they’re making no effort to reach out, is a realization enough that they don’t miss me. The chase should be equal on both sides. I had a good conversation about this with one of my friends. There is something about when someone is pursuing you. It shows they’re making an effort. When a relationship is one-sided in that aspect, let me tell you, it gets old and frustrating REAL quick.

28. I am surprisingly cool with being 28. I thought I would have a mental breakdown because I usually do around this time of the year, but the worst thing to happen is I spontaneously got my 11th ear piercing because I got bored one day. hahaha So I’ll take that over questioning all my life choices and completely shutting down. Plus, I’ve heard nothing but good things about being 30, so I’m excited about that chapter.

I think I rambled enough. I am happy (most days) and in a really good place. I’m excited for what 2019 has in store for me because I have a good feeling it’s going to be a big year.

Sending everyone who took the time to read this ramble all the love in the world. I hope someone or something makes you smile and feel thankful today.

-A

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28 and Great. #Old

27 was great. But I guarantee 28 will be even better. I can’t wait to see what this year brings me; love, challenges, new beginnings, endings.. I’m open to it all.

Usually, I get super anxious about birthdays. Another year older. But this year, I’m weirdly at peace with it. I am thankful to be given the opportunity to grow older and continue to learn lessons about this crazy thing we call life.

Last year I wished my 27th would be the best year ever. No problems, no bumpy roads, just a straight peaceful path. But really.. what fun is that? What fun would life be if everything was perfect? There’s no room for growth in perfection.

This year I’m wishing for light. Light to guide my path to where ever this year takes me. Light to help me continue to grow. Light to lift me on dark days. Light to shine on myself and the people around me.

The biggest lesson I learnt this year, is that everyone who comes into your life serves a purpose. A lesson, a memory or just simply for a smile. I am thankful for all the people who’ve both came into and left my life. I’ve learnt to never dull my light for a person and to never let another person’s actions second guess myself. I’m not for everyone. Whether it be something as simple as my laugh or something bigger like my intentions in life. Never change who you are for someone.

Happy Birthday to any of my birthday twins out there. May your day be full of smiles, positive memories and cake (or tacos in my case haha).

And just like that. I’m no longer in my mid 20s. Bring on the late 20s baby. xx

-A

“You Do You”.

I saw this post today, which sparked the interest to write this post.

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I use to HATE this saying. HATE. HATE. HATE. I hated it so much, I felt the need to write “hate” in capital letters not once but three times.

My ex used to say it to me to piss me off. Anytime I would do something he didn’t like or didn’t approve of, he’d say: “Well you do you Ash”.

OOOHHHHH that makes my blood boil just thinking back on those times.

To me, this simple phrase of three words held so much negative meaning. When used, it meant I was doing something wrong that a person I cared so much for didn’t approve of. It meant the things I was doing when he said it to me, weren’t good enough for him. It meant that ME doing myself wasn’t good enough.

I even said it to other people, in the same way. To people, I later dated and even friends and family when they would do things that made me mad or I didn’t approve of.

Eventually, I took it onto myself to correct meaning of this phrase. Whenever I saw it and see it now, I think, “yah I’m going to do me, because I’m fucking awesome and anyone who makes me feel less than that doesn’t deserve to be a part of my life”.

This simple phrase brought a lot of pain and sadness to me. It reminded me that I wasn’t enough of something to be with the person that said it to me. I wasn’t good/perfect/funny/pretty/etc. enough.

Now when I see it, it makes me happy. It makes me happy to see how much growth I’ve had since I was that sad, people pleaser, willing to change myself or do anything for a person. How much I’ve grown into being and loving myself and all my weird quirks and characteristics.

When I see this phrase pop up on social media or hear someone say it, I smile. I smile because it motivates me to continue to “do” exactly what I want to “do” and be exactly myself.

-A

 

Scar Removal Update #5

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It’s been a hot minute since I posted one of these. So I thought I would let everyone know where I’m at! If you have no idea what this post is about, I have linked all my previous posts above. Long story short, I am getting my past self-injury scars removed at a local clinic here in Regina, using laser, microneedling and plasma lift.

I am still getting treatments, about every 6 weeks right now (to allow healing time between each appointment). My scars are looking better and better after each treatment and I have noticed a huge difference in both the appearance and texture of my scarring.

We have been sticking to mainly microneedling on my leg because the scarring there is quite sunken in, the microneedling will help plump the skin back up.

On my arm, we have been mainly doing laser and this past appointment we also tried plasma lift, which is a tiny needle that delivers heat to the skin.

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(Here is what my arm looked like directly after the plasma lift. If you look close enough you can see tiny dots where the heat was transmitted onto my skin. This treatment is the most painful out of the three for sure. After the dots started healing they turned into scabs and were very itchy.)

**If you want to see videos of the treatments, you can find them on my Instagram highlights.

I also wanted to share two photos below of that microneedling healing looks like. I went for a treatment and got quite deep microneedling done, so the healing ended up looking a little different than usual. Usually, after the microneedling treatments, the skin is just a little swollen and red, but after a more invasive treatment, my skin peeled very mad.

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It has been almost a year since I started treatments (which is so crazy) and I am very thankful for this opportunity I was given. Ultimately, I know my scarring will never completely be gone, but I am very happy to be able to share this experience with you all and show people out there, that there are options to remove or lighten past self-injury scarring!

-A

28 Will Be Great?

Every year, I write up a list of things that is the number of the age I’m turning. Last year I did 27 things I was going to work on, the year before I did 26 things I had learned and the year before that, I started this blog.

I am very thankful and happy for this blog. It has given me the ultimate outlet for my emotions, stress, heartbreak, frustration, happiness and everything else in between. Though it hasn’t made me famous yet (just kidding), I have been able to connect with a lot of people. People who experienced similar things to me, or people that were able to see me in a different light due to the things I’ve gone through.

Life isn’t all smiles. Life isn’t all parties and celebrations. Life is about learning how to smile again after having your heart broken. Life is about learning to dance in the rain and getting back up after you’ve fallen down.

Life is about finding what you were meant to do and using that to make the world a better place. Life is about balance and learning to give and take equally. It’s about being the bigger person, even if it hurts on the inside.

27 was a great year. Lots of wonderful memories were made, and I really don’t want to remember it for anything other than that.

Now to get brainstorming on a list of 28 somethings.

-A

Why Do Women Love to Chase Unattainable men?

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I think the topic of this post pretty much speaks for itself. Women love to fall for and chase unattainable men. I don’t think women seek out these type of relationships on purpose, I think it’s more of a subconscious action to continue to seek out the familiarity that these relationships may bring to them.

Let’s take this to a psychology level. A lot of the articles I’ve read and personal reflection I’ve done, says that these self-destructing type of relationships can be rooted back to self-esteem. A lot of women who have a low self-esteem will gravitate towards relationships with men that will ultimately never commit to them. Psychologist Seth Myers says that women have the “following unconscious motive: If the unavailable man finally comes around and commits, they’ll—at long last—have proof that they are worthy.”

The “come here, go away” type of men that Monica Parikh refers to them as can also be used to create the start of self-growth and realization. Parikh takes a positive twist on things and says that though these type of relationships are not ideal, they can prove to be a good opportunity to look within. She explains that it’s a good time: “To examine our past. To get stronger. To speak our truth. To set boundaries. To become comfortable in being alone. To stop settling.”

So why do women (including myself) continue to turn to these type of relationships?

These two reasons stuck out to me the most are a little similar, but here they are:

  1. We haven’t healed from the past. This could be past relationships, past trauma or past heartbreaks of any kind. Regardless, these types of relationships give us the ability to have a surface level feeling of what an actual relationship would feel like, without us having to completely commit. Relationship therapist Aimee Hartstein says: “If you’ve suffered a heartbreaking loss, you may be loath to risk 100 percent of yourself again. By chasing someone who won’t fully commit, you can ‘play house’—dressing up, flirting, and sharing secrets. And, you can also avoid the risk that is inherent [to] real love and intimacy”.
  2. Childhood trauma. Anyone who’s taken psychology in university probably knows that our childhoods and how we were raised contribute a lot to how we turn out when we’re older. Aimee Hartstein again explains: “Many children suffer from heartbreaking neglect. Their moms and/or dads may have been emotionally unavailable—preoccupied with work, romantic entanglements, addictions, or mental illness. Children internalize the neglect, believing that they deserved the bad treatment. These children grow up and pick partners who are similarly distant or critical, reaffirming a feeling of unworthiness”.

Elite writer, Sabrina Alexis, explains it well. She compares these type of men to “super sexy shoes that are brutally uncomfortable”. When you see them, you need to have them but when you wear them you’re in agony. As soon as you take them off, you get some sense of relief. This feeling of relief doesn’t come from gaining something positive. It comes from removing something negative. This experience is the same as dating unattainable guys.

The constant knots in your stomach as you wait for the next text or the next sign that he might possibly care about you. And when he finally gives you some sort of reassurance that he does, it will quickly be grabbed away from you and you’re back in the uncomfortable shoes.

Alexis wrote in her article about an experience she had with this type of relationship. She was push and pulled over and over again until she finally hit her ending point. She decided to sit down and ask herself these questions: “What was I getting out of this relationship? Why was I so drawn to him, even though I objectively knew he wouldn’t be a good long-term partner? What had he even given me? I did a lot for him, but what had he ever actually done to show me he cared?”

Alexis’s answer was ‘nothing’, as I’m sure it would be for a lot of us if we stopped and asked ourselves these questions.

We get nothing out of unattainable men other than brief validation, temporary company and good sex only when it’s convenient for them.

Next, Alexis stopped and questioned herself why she kept going back to this man. What it was about him that kept drawing her in. She found that in her case, it went deeper than just the validation he gave her. He filled her void of being lonely.

Finally, Alexis asked herself what she was giving to the relationship. This one really hit me when I stopped and applied it to my situation. What was I giving to this man that I had chased after for a year, hoping that he would finally choose me? A few good laughs, the support if he ever needed it (which he didn’t), but realistically I probably gave him as much as he gave me. The only difference is I would have given him everything and he wasn’t willing to do the same.

These type of relationships are not worth your time. They are not worth your heartbreak or your sadness. Time is a precious thing and love is something that should be valued and shared equally between two people.

I hope this post is not only my rock bottom and end of these type of relationships but also for anyone who reads it.

-A

Articles I talked about in this post:
“Why You Keep Going After Unavailable Guys, As Told By A Relationship Expert” by Sabrina Alexis
“Why Women Love & Lust After Unavailable Men: Traumatic Love” by Seth Meyers
“Keep Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Partners?” by Monica Parikh