Scar Removal Update #3

**photographs may be triggering

Update #1
Update #2

For those of you still following allow my scar removal journey, here is an update.
We have started the next process, micro-needling. I found the lasering, made a huge difference on my leg scars! My arm as well, but I can see the most change on my leg for sure. I explained before, what micro-needling is, but I will again in case I have any new readers. So micro-needling is a treatment done that uses small needles to puncture the skin and trigger the body into healing mode, stimulating cell production and new collagen to form. For me specifically, this will greatly help the texture of my scars.

The first photo is my leg with the numbing cream on, which had to sit for 30 minutes. The second photo is directly after the treatment. This treatment hurt more than the lasering (about an 8/10 for pain) and did result in some bleeding (which is standard). The healing process is way quicker than lasering though. The day of the treatment I had some mild discomfort and the day after I barely felt anything at all.

These photos were taken in the evening after the treatment. A little more red, but already starting to heal.

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This final photo is from the day after. If you look close you can see the little holes from the micro-needling. All swelling has gone down, and no pain other than when my sister’s dog jumps on me.

I go back for another treatment in 3 weeks. I am looking forward to seeing the results of this treatment, because the lady doing my treatments, believes this one will show the biggest changes in my scarring!



Tuesday Pick-Me-Up

“There comes a time in life when you walk away from all the drama, and the people who create it. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is part of life. Getting back up is living.”


Happy 2 Years!

I can’t believe I started this blog two years ago. I mean I am 27 now and I started this blog when I was 25, so the math does add up, but it seriously is crazy how last time goes by.

So much has happened since then. Since I was that confused 25-year-old that aimlessly started writing nonsense to no one in particular. I mean realistically I’m probably not any less confused or any less lost.

This will be my 130th post. 130 posts filled with words of heartbreak, gained and lost love, of hope both lost and refound, of friendship and of sorrow. Posts that may have reached no one, but may have also helped at least one person.

I hope if you are reading this, this blog brings you a similar peace that it brings me. I hope it makes you realize you are not alone in your thoughts. You are never alone in this world, even on the loneliest of nights.

I hope it makes you realize that you are beautiful past your exterior. That you deserve the best this life can give you, and that you should never stop fighting until you get that.

I hope you realize you are not defined by your past mistakes. That those mistakes only made you stronger and smarter. That they taught you a lesson.

I hope you realize that your age does not define you. You are never too young or too old to do something. If you are not happy with something in your life, whether that be your occupation or relationship, you have the strength within you to change that.

Cheers to the future and all the adventures that it may bring. 🙂


Unbreakable Force

Someone said something very important to me today and it really made me think. I spent this morning following along as women testified against Larry Nassar. If you don’t know this name, you should. Everyone should be educated on this terrible man and the things he did. I listened this morning and my heart broke for the women who were sexually assaulted by this man.

To give a little background, Larry Nassar was a doctor at Michigan State University, and also a doctor for the Olympic Gymnastic Team and he is being charged for numerous first-degree sexual assault charges. More than 140 women have accused him of sexual assault and over the past couple of days, a number of these women have delivered statements to the judge of the case and to Larry Nassar himself about the impact of the sexual assault on them, on their families and on their lives.

I listened to a handful of these statements. They left me feeling both heart broken and empowered. These women were damaged and broken, but together they formed an unbreakable army against this monster of a man.

I felt like I could relate a lot to these women. Again and again they all told similar stories. Stories of feeling used, abused, dirty and guilty. They were being assaulted, yet they were left feeling guilty.  This is a reoccurring feeling of sexual assault victims. Guilt. Even the media is forcing guilt upon the victims of Nassar, accusing them of wanting attention and money. I guarantee these women do not want attention because a man they thought they could trust assaulted them. I guarantee all of these women would much rather have their innocence and childhood back, rather than any amount of money.

They’re voices and words will hopefully put this man away for the rest of his life and hopefully stop anything like this from happening again.

It was hard for me to listen not only because the statements were very detailed, but because I was left feeling guilty myself. Guilty because I do not have the same strength as these women to talk about my sexual assault. Guilty because the man who harmed me, is still out there, innocent, not knowing the numbness he put into my heart. Guilty because there could be other women out there that he did the same thing to and also women out there that he could still do damaging things to in the future.

The important thing that was said to me tonight was that even though I may not ever charge the man who sexually assaulted me, that doesn’t take away what he did. I was still a victim, I was still harmed because of a man’s actions against me and I will still forever have to live knowing what happened. Charging this man may not be the right choice for me, but that doesn’t take away the heaviness in my heart, the fear in the pit of my stomach or the violation that happened to my body. Choosing to not charge this man doesn’t make me weak. I survived and I will continue to survive. I will continue to use my experience to help and relate to others.

“My dream is that one day everyone will know what the words #MeToo signify. But they will be educated and able to protect themselves from predators like Larry so that they will never ever, ever have to say the words, ‘me, too.'”
-Aly Raisman


Can FWB be successful?

FWB, friends with benefits, f*ck buddies, no strings attached.. whatever you want to call it, by your mid-twenties you’ve most likely been in a situation with someone where these words have come up.

So what makes a friends with benefits situation successful? WELL, I can definitely tell you what doesn’t make it successful.





..this list could go on and on, for me especially because I’ve been in far more unsuccess relationships like this than successful ones. The number is one actually. One single successful friends with benefits relationship and I am here to tell you what I’ve learned to be successful and unsuccessful.

I recently listened to an episode from the podcast: “Guys We’ve F*ucked”. If you’re a female or even a male, I highly recommend this podcast. It’s hilarious and real.  It ties together political and social issues with the hilarity of dating, sexual experiences and much more. The episode that really got me thinking, discussed a no strings attached relationship from both a male and two females’ perspectives. In this case, it was the male that said that relationships like this can’t work.  He said that if you have sex with someone more than 3 times, that means there’s something between the two people, whether that be feelings, attachment, attraction, a connection.. something and whatever this something is, is bound to make the friends with benefits relationship not work out in the end.  Even the one female talker who said she had had an FWB relationship in the past, did have a ‘crush’ on the guy she was sleeping with.

The male went on to explain that there’s a type of coldness that comes along with this type of relationship. You are turning off your emotions. I agree with this. 100% the only way an FWB relationship can ever possibly work, is if you turn off your emotions and feelings. Throw the expectations out the window. Don’t expect this person to be there for you in any other way than physically.

The male even explains that an FWB relationship is an ‘overindulgence’. Like smoking, or dipping your hand in the cookie jar, one too many times. With this statement, I would probably have to say I disagree. I definitely see his point of view on this, but I think that if both parties in this situation are on the same page and have the same agreements of what is doing down, I don’t think it’s necessarily an overindulgence as much as it’s two friends helping each other meet eachother’s needs.

The more this podcast made me think, the more I analyzed what was the key to success.
1) Do not allow feelings to form. You obviously need to be attracted to this person, but psychically not emotionally. Don’t talk to this person about personal things. Don’t ask too many personal questions. If you’re having a bad day, don’t lean on this person to bring you back up. Keep your physically needs separated from your emotional needs.
2) Make sure you’re on the same page. What do you want? Is it the same thing this other person wants? If you find yourself not getting what you want out of the situation, communicate it.
3) If this person or the relationship starts to not feel right, walk away. There’s no need to explain your reasoning, you do not owe this other person anything other than what you gave them, just walk away.
4) Be honest. If you start to have feelings, if something doesn’t feel equal or fair, don’t only be honest with the other person, but be honest with yourself.
5) Keep it secret. I honestly don’t know if this really helps or not, but I’ve found it keeps a whole lot of unneeded drama out of the situation. Keep it simple.

Are friends with benefits are the way of the future? I honestly hope not. But for where I am right now, it’s working for me, and until further notice, I’m just going to go with it, not ask too many questions or overthink the situation.



what-it-means-when-women-say-me-too-2-18053-1508277359-1_dblbigPhoto Source

I’m going to be brutally honest with you.

I did not like the #MeToo campaign that spread virally through our society this past October. Every, “Me Too” hashtag literally made me cringe every time I saw it. I avoided reading people’s posts about it.  I embarrassingly judged other people for posting about it and chose to turn my head in the opposite direction.

Why? Why did I feel this way? Why did I react this way to such a powerful movement?

Because it’s heartbreaking to visually see how many girls and women in our society have been sexually assaulted or harassed. It’s devastating to know many of these girls and women have suffered in silence for many years, most likely blaming themselves for the actions of boys and men.

I can remember the first time I was sexually harassed, very vividly actually. Unfortunately for me, I went through puberty at a very young age. I think I was wearing bras in grade 4. Not only did puberty give me boobs at a young age, it gave me the unwanted attention of males at a young age as well. I remember a boy a few grades above me, making an extremely vulgar comment to me. I did not even know what sexual intercourse was at this age, but I knew this comment made me feel extremely uncomfortable, vulnerable and violated.

During my elementary and high school years, as young girls and women, we were not taught about sexual assault or harassment in school. No one told us that certain things should not happen to us or be said to us. We learnt about rape and non-consensual sex, but that was it. I didn’t know that other boys and girls shouldn’t be making comments about my breast or body type. I didn’t know that people sending me un-wanted pictures of their naked genitals was not okay. I would actually be surprised if anyone around my age did not have a #MeToo story.

So why am I speaking up about sexual harassment and assault if I didn’t like the movement at first? Because it needs to be talked about. If it makes you feel uncomfortable to hear these stories, then good. It should. Uncomfortability brings change and our culture and society need to change drastically in this area.

My #MeToo story doesn’t end at vulgar comments I got during puberty and my high school years. These comments continued into university, they continued through my year of professional dancing and they also continued into my years’ of professional cheerleading for a country large football league. My #MeToo story also doesn’t end at comments. I have been sexually assaulted at bars and I have also witnessed my friends be sexually assaulted in similar situations. My #MeToo story includes slut-shaming, non-consensual sex tapes and even non-consensual sexual intercourse.

This simple, short hashtag is a lot more complex then it appears to the eye. For me, it’s full of lots of past pain, guilt, blame and hurt. It’s also full of strength, forgiveness and healing. I let the pain of my past, dislike this movement, but I am choosing to let my strength talk about it now.

Let’s use the heartbreak of this movement to inspire change in the future.



Can someone be too nice?

I am such a hypocrite when it comes to some things, and I can call myself out on this, because well, it’s me calling myself out. I am forever telling people to make themselves happy first, to put themselves before others, and then here I am, trying to make sure the entire world has a smile on their faces before myself.

I love making other people happy and putting other people’s needs before my own, but I think I’ve finally realized that some people in life will take advantage of this. Does this mean I should change who I am, or stop doing nice things for people? Not necessarily. I think I need find a happy medium, a balance between making other people happy and making myself happy as well.

I did a huge computer purge last night while working a night shift. I went through my Icloud and deleted unnecessary things like photos and saved messages. I literally had old messages saved from 2014. How crazy is that?

I had messages saved when I had a falling out with my old group of best friends. I had messages from employers, family members, unknown numbers and exes. Going through these messages I noticed a lot of noteworthy things. For example in situations, I am the one who does the majority of the apologizing, even for situations that weren’t my fault. I always took the blame, almost as if to make the other person feel better about themselves, despite at the time it probably made me feel terrible.

With exes, I could physically see myself putting 100% more effort into conversations as I read through the messages. I could sense the disparity through my double texts, one-sided conversations and the continuity of ‘between the lines’ begging for reciprocation of feelings. I deleted these messages one by one as I read them, letting go of past feelings, letting go of past intentions and letting go of any future one-sided relationships.

Moving into this next year, I promise myself to stay true to who I am. I am a very nice person. I like making people smile and putting others before me. I like doing things for others and helping people through tough times, but I promise to not lose my happiness in the mix of life. I promise to not let unworthy people take advantage of my kindness.

This is my champagne year after all. I can’t let it go to waste!