What it’s Like to Love Someone Who’s Killing Themselves

I fought off writing this for a long time for a couple reasons. I never felt like it was my story to tell. I also felt like it was super sad and depressing to talk about.

But I’ve realized that anything in my life that has shaped me is part of my story and I know I’m not the only one in this situation so maybe writing this post will help me connect with other people.

Loving someone who is killing themselves through the means of an addiction is the most painful thing I will probably ever have to live through. I used to blame myself, always questioning if there were things I could have done or said that would help this person from the destiny they continue to choose for themselves. I wondered if it was my actions that turned them to drink themselves into their unconscious state day after day.

“Maybe if I was smarter, more well behaved, had bigger achievements.. etc. etc.,” were questions I asked myself every day.

Every glimmer of hope I saw, I would hold onto, hoping that one day they would wake up and choose life over their addiction. That they would choose family over an intoxicated haze. And again and again, every piece of hope would be ripped from my fingers.

People will tell you to just keep loving them to the best of your ability. Just keep praying for them. Just keep holding onto to hope that one day it’ll be different. But what they don’t see is the relapses where hope is torn from your hands over and over again.

People don’t talk about the missed birthdays, Christmases and other holidays. They don’t talk about the awkward conversations when people ask where they are, why they look so ill or how they got all those bruises all over their bodies.

You have to watch people judge your family, wondering why we’re not trying to help them more, and not knowing we’re helping them the best we can.

They don’t know what it’s like to have the person you love one day and an addiction stricken monster the next. They don’t know what it’s like to blame yourself into a depression. To compare yourself and wonder if you’ll ever end up drowning in addiction too.

Loving someone who is killing themselves hurts, it hurts every single day. It leaves your heart feeling empty and hopeless. And you live for the sober days, the sober conversations, the sober hugs and “I love you”s. Because even on the most hopeless days, hope is all you really have to hold on to, and hope is what we continue to do.

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What To Do When You’re in a Slump

Well hello there,

Welcome to Ashley’s personal pity party, where all those who are down and sad about life are welcome to join. But in all seriousness, I’ve found myself in quite the low spot as of recently. I’m a pretty emotionally influenced person, so when the people around me are stressed and sad, I usually get the same and with the job I’m currently working at, this happens quite frequently. So I’ve decided to share my secrets, tips, and tricks to you all on how I get back on track and back to my normal happy self.

1) To start off if you didn’t already realize, writing is a huge stress relief for me because it gets all those kept inside feelings and thoughts out. I’m the same way with people, if I have something to say, I have to say it otherwise I just drown myself in the unsaid words.

2) I check what I’m eating. As a previous binge eater, I use to hide my feelings in food. When I’m sad I often find myself going back to these roots, but I’m a huge believer in a healthy gut makes a healthy mind. I eat a very clean diet, which makes me feel great. So in moments (like now), I make sure I’m fuelling my body with good foods so I won’t make myself feel guilty about binging out on junk foods.

3) Exercise. This one is major for me. Even just getting outside to go for a walk helps. I will literally lay in bed and dread going to a workout, but I’ll tell you a secret. I never regret going after the workout is done. An exercise of any sort is awesome for getting stress out and increasing the happy chemicals in your brain. I promise you, it might suck going, but after you’ll thank me.

4) Surround yourself with positive and supportive people. This one is extremely important. People’s minds are influenced immensely by the environment. If you’re surrounded by negative influences and people, your emotions will continue to be negative. Being around people who remind you that you’ll make it through this rough patch is critical. I’m grateful for my amazing friends every day.

5) Get to the root of your slump or sad feelings. Figure out why you got to this low point. Is it a negative relationship, money, school or anything else? Pin point it, and figure out what you can change. If you’re stuck in a bad relationship, either try and fix it or get the heck out. Don’t waste your time with a person who doesn’t deserve you. If you’re having money issues, take a step back and figure out where you could be spending your money smarter. If you’re not enjoying what you’re studying in school, stop right now and find your passion. Don’t let people pressure or convince you that there’s only one path in life.

6) This one is probably super cheesy, but I love looking up motivational quotes and pictures. Tumblr is my BFF. I find it so peaceful to read through motivating and relatable quotes. (You can make fun of me if you want!)

7) Think about all the positive things you have going for you. Make a list even. Think about all the positive attributes and qualities you have that people love about you. I don’t care if this sounds self-centered or self-absorbed. If you’re feeling down and you have no one there to tell you you’re awesome, tell yourself that! You, my friend, (whoever is reading this), are awesome, you make a difference in this world and without you here many people would be affected.

8) Music. This is another great one. Find the cheesiest, sing-a-long music you can think of and blast it. Throw yourself a dance party. I have two moods. I will either play my favourite pop songs (“Nothing’s Holding Me Back”, BANGER) and drive around pretending I’m a rock star, or I’ll play super depressing stuff and sit in my car and have a good cry. Both are very effective, but I personally suggest the pop star dance party.

9) Take a nap. I work four jobs, plus do a billion things on the side. Sleep isn’t something I always get enough of, so when I start getting anxious and sad, I try getting in a quick re-start nap. This one doesn’t always help me 100% of the time, but a little bit of beauty sleep never hurt anyone!

10) Give someone you love a hug. It can be a friend, parent, sibling, spouse, I don’t care. Find someone who cares about you, and give them the tightest hug. It always helps me.

11) **bonus Do something nice for someone else. This one is great. Not only will you feel great about yourself, but you’ll make someone else’s day better too. Examples of things you can do: buy the person’s coffee behind you in line, tell someone you like something they’re wearing or even just tell someone they look nice today. Making someone else smile will guarantee to make you smile too!

Love always.

-A

The Other Woman

I have been wanting to write this post for foreverrrrr.

But first I had to decide how I wanted people to portray it. Did I want to make people laugh, and take on a funny view to this term? Did I want to make people feel pity for the girls who are tagged as the “the side chick”, or did I want to throw it all down, the raw, real and naked truth?

Obviously, funny is always the easiest route, the second I would say is the pity route, then the hardest is when you lay down the truth. Truth is always the hardest because when people disagree with it, it hurts your writing ego a little bit. haha

Well, here we are. Ok ok I know, “Ashley, get to the point”. I’m heading there I promise. But first, a little back story.

So, what is a “side chick” or the “other woman”. Well, readers, this is what the trustful Urban Dictionary had to tell me:

the other woman; also known as the mistress; a female that is neither a male’s wife or girlfriend who has relations with the male while he is in another relationship

In society, the side chick is glamorized. She the more attractive woman, that’s better in bed and is always dressed to the 9s. She knows about the wife or girl friend but doesn’t care because inside she knows she’s better, hotter, sexier, etc.

But in real life, the side chick thinks she’s the only girl. She’s the one that gets the hate, even though it’s the husband or boyfriend that are making the wrong choices.

The side chick gets the “Are you awake?” at 3am text messages, whereas the partner gets the “Good morning beautiful” texts. The side chick gets the “You’re hot” DMs, whereas the partner gets the “I’m so happy I met you” comments on pictures. The side chick gets the creepy smirks across the bar, whereas the partner gets paraded around and shown off. Ok ok, I’m getting side tracked and jumping on the pity party train. Let’s take a new approach.

To the side chicks out there. You are better than him. You deserve to be shown off, to be loved and to be the only girl in someone’s life. Don’t let him convince you otherwise. Don’t let him tell you, you are his only one. Believe your gut feeling, because it is usually right.

To the wife/girlfriend/partner. Don’t let out all the blame on these girls that your man is fooling. Don’t compare yourself to them. Don’t hate them. They deserve the exact same thing you deserve. To be respected by a man and not played by a boy. Remember they might not know you exist, and that is not their fault. Remember to take a step back, and realize the blame should be dealt out accordingly.

To the man, or should I say boy. Who makes you think you’re so much better than those around you? Why do you think it’s fair to play with people’s hearts the way you have or waste people’s time the way you did? Think about the way you make these women feel like objects instead of human beings. These girls you are messing around with would give you the world, and you can’t even give them the respect they deserve.

I have been the side chick, the other woman and it has taught me a lot. Not only has it made me feel hurt and extremely guilty, but it was taught me about what I want and deserve in this crazy world of love. I want someone to care that I’m obsessed with the colour blue and sharks. I want them to remember my birthday without me having to remind them and to remember I’m allergic to kiwis. I want someone to call me just because I crossed their mind. I want them to be proud of me and want to introduce me to their friends. And most importantly I want to be respected and valued the way I respect and value the people who are important to me in my life.

Playing with people’s hearts or time is no joke, my friends. A person’s heart is the most beautiful thing about them. The way they smile while doing the things they love, with the people they love. And time should never be taken advantage of because it is something so valuable and limited.

Love others the way you want to be loved and treat people the way you want them to remember you.

-A

Permanence

Do you ever just stop and think about the people you’ve lost in your life. Stop and get that terrible, dreadful feeling in the pit of your stomach. Do you stop and wonder how you’ve been living your life without them. Just stop and think about what they would be doing right now, what impact they would be having in your life at that very moment. Stop and think about what they would tell you. Do you ever just wish you could say one more thing to them, give them one more hug, smell them one more time to make sure you never forget that scent.  Do you ever wish you could look into their eyes again, look at their face and remember every wrinkle, line and mark.
..because I do.