Congratulations for what?

I sit here, at the end of my degree(s) wondering where to go. I should be happy and proud of my accomplishment. But I sit here feeling empty, lost and alone.

I know why I feel this way, I wouldn’t be a graduated sociologist if I didn’t. I finished my degrees not for myself, but for the people around me. To make my parents proud, to feel as accomplished as my friends and to be accepted in society.

University was not the right path for me, I’ve known that for the past couple years. I’ve known that since the moment I cried to my dad in fear of not being able to finish, I’ve known since I’ve cried myself to sleep numerous times in frustration and I’ve known by watching my falling grades in devastation since year 2.

So why did I finish? Why did I put myself through the torture of sleepless nights, unexplainable amounts of anxiety and the pain of failure in my heart? Because I was supposed to right? Because if I didn’t I wouldn’t be successful in life right? Because if I dropped out I would be a quitter.

These are not things I make up in my head, they are things people have said to me. They are words from other’s mouths, through text messages and through societal expectations of my generation.

School was not for me.

But I finished.

So I guess that deserves a celebration, even though my heart is still lost and alone in a world that expects too much.

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