Can FWB be successful?

FWB, friends with benefits, f*ck buddies, no strings attached.. whatever you want to call it, by your mid-twenties you’ve most likely been in a situation with someone where these words have come up.

So what makes a friends with benefits situation successful? WELL, I can definitely tell you what doesn’t make it successful.

-feelings

-jealousy

-miscommunication

-attachment

..this list could go on and on, for me especially because I’ve been in far more unsuccess relationships like this than successful ones. The number is one actually. One single successful friends with benefits relationship and I am here to tell you what I’ve learned to be successful and unsuccessful.

I recently listened to an episode from the podcast: “Guys We’ve F*ucked”. If you’re a female or even a male, I highly recommend this podcast. It’s hilarious and real.  It ties together political and social issues with the hilarity of dating, sexual experiences and much more. The episode that really got me thinking, discussed a no strings attached relationship from both a male and two females’ perspectives. In this case, it was the male that said that relationships like this can’t work.  He said that if you have sex with someone more than 3 times, that means there’s something between the two people, whether that be feelings, attachment, attraction, a connection.. something and whatever this something is, is bound to make the friends with benefits relationship not work out in the end.  Even the one female talker who said she had had an FWB relationship in the past, did have a ‘crush’ on the guy she was sleeping with.

The male went on to explain that there’s a type of coldness that comes along with this type of relationship. You are turning off your emotions. I agree with this. 100% the only way an FWB relationship can ever possibly work, is if you turn off your emotions and feelings. Throw the expectations out the window. Don’t expect this person to be there for you in any other way than physically.

The male even explains that an FWB relationship is an ‘overindulgence’. Like smoking, or dipping your hand in the cookie jar, one too many times. With this statement, I would probably have to say I disagree. I definitely see his point of view on this, but I think that if both parties in this situation are on the same page and have the same agreements of what is doing down, I don’t think it’s necessarily an overindulgence as much as it’s two friends helping each other meet eachother’s needs.

The more this podcast made me think, the more I analyzed what was the key to success.
1) Do not allow feelings to form. You obviously need to be attracted to this person, but psychically not emotionally. Don’t talk to this person about personal things. Don’t ask too many personal questions. If you’re having a bad day, don’t lean on this person to bring you back up. Keep your physically needs separated from your emotional needs.
2) Make sure you’re on the same page. What do you want? Is it the same thing this other person wants? If you find yourself not getting what you want out of the situation, communicate it.
3) If this person or the relationship starts to not feel right, walk away. There’s no need to explain your reasoning, you do not owe this other person anything other than what you gave them, just walk away.
4) Be honest. If you start to have feelings, if something doesn’t feel equal or fair, don’t only be honest with the other person, but be honest with yourself.
5) Keep it secret. I honestly don’t know if this really helps or not, but I’ve found it keeps a whole lot of unneeded drama out of the situation. Keep it simple.

Are friends with benefits are the way of the future? I honestly hope not. But for where I am right now, it’s working for me, and until further notice, I’m just going to go with it, not ask too many questions or overthink the situation.

-A

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#MeToo

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I’m going to be brutally honest with you.

I did not like the #MeToo campaign that spread virally through our society this past October. Every, “Me Too” hashtag literally made me cringe every time I saw it. I avoided reading people’s posts about it.  I embarrassingly judged other people for posting about it and chose to turn my head in the opposite direction.

Why? Why did I feel this way? Why did I react this way to such a powerful movement?

Because it’s heartbreaking to visually see how many girls and women in our society have been sexually assaulted or harassed. It’s devastating to know many of these girls and women have suffered in silence for many years, most likely blaming themselves for the actions of boys and men.

I can remember the first time I was sexually harassed, very vividly actually. Unfortunately for me, I went through puberty at a very young age. I think I was wearing bras in grade 4. Not only did puberty give me boobs at a young age, it gave me the unwanted attention of males at a young age as well. I remember a boy a few grades above me, making an extremely vulgar comment to me. I did not even know what sexual intercourse was at this age, but I knew this comment made me feel extremely uncomfortable, vulnerable and violated.

During my elementary and high school years, as young girls and women, we were not taught about sexual assault or harassment in school. No one told us that certain things should not happen to us or be said to us. We learnt about rape and non-consensual sex, but that was it. I didn’t know that other boys and girls shouldn’t be making comments about my breast or body type. I didn’t know that people sending me un-wanted pictures of their naked genitals was not okay. I would actually be surprised if anyone around my age did not have a #MeToo story.

So why am I speaking up about sexual harassment and assault if I didn’t like the movement at first? Because it needs to be talked about. If it makes you feel uncomfortable to hear these stories, then good. It should. Uncomfortability brings change and our culture and society need to change drastically in this area.

My #MeToo story doesn’t end at vulgar comments I got during puberty and my high school years. These comments continued into university, they continued through my year of professional dancing and they also continued into my years’ of professional cheerleading for a country large football league. My #MeToo story also doesn’t end at comments. I have been sexually assaulted at bars and I have also witnessed my friends be sexually assaulted in similar situations. My #MeToo story includes slut-shaming, non-consensual sex tapes and even non-consensual sexual intercourse.

This simple, short hashtag is a lot more complex then it appears to the eye. For me, it’s full of lots of past pain, guilt, blame and hurt. It’s also full of strength, forgiveness and healing. I let the pain of my past, dislike this movement, but I am choosing to let my strength talk about it now.

Let’s use the heartbreak of this movement to inspire change in the future.

-A

 

Can someone be too nice?

I am such a hypocrite when it comes to some things, and I can call myself out on this, because well, it’s me calling myself out. I am forever telling people to make themselves happy first, to put themselves before others, and then here I am, trying to make sure the entire world has a smile on their faces before myself.

I love making other people happy and putting other people’s needs before my own, but I think I’ve finally realized that some people in life will take advantage of this. Does this mean I should change who I am, or stop doing nice things for people? Not necessarily. I think I need find a happy medium, a balance between making other people happy and making myself happy as well.

I did a huge computer purge last night while working a night shift. I went through my Icloud and deleted unnecessary things like photos and saved messages. I literally had old messages saved from 2014. How crazy is that?

I had messages saved when I had a falling out with my old group of best friends. I had messages from employers, family members, unknown numbers and exes. Going through these messages I noticed a lot of noteworthy things. For example in situations, I am the one who does the majority of the apologizing, even for situations that weren’t my fault. I always took the blame, almost as if to make the other person feel better about themselves, despite at the time it probably made me feel terrible.

With exes, I could physically see myself putting 100% more effort into conversations as I read through the messages. I could sense the disparity through my double texts, one-sided conversations and the continuity of ‘between the lines’ begging for reciprocation of feelings. I deleted these messages one by one as I read them, letting go of past feelings, letting go of past intentions and letting go of any future one-sided relationships.

Moving into this next year, I promise myself to stay true to who I am. I am a very nice person. I like making people smile and putting others before me. I like doing things for others and helping people through tough times, but I promise to not lose my happiness in the mix of life. I promise to not let unworthy people take advantage of my kindness.

This is my champagne year after all. I can’t let it go to waste!

-A

2018.

2018. Where has the time gone (cliche, I know)..

I am excited about this year. 2018, the year of me. That’s what I’m self-proclaiming it as.

I’m going to keep this short and simple. If I write down my intentions for this year, then I am not the only one who is holding me accountable for keeping them.

I keep saying it, but I think a lot of changes are coming for me this year. Whether that means: location, travel, love, career or anything else. I’m taking it all in with open arms.

The first thing I really want to work on is consistency, in all or most aspects of my life.  My trainer and mentor actually brought this up to me recently. He said I need to be more consistent in my training, but then I started thinking about and implying it to all aspects of my life. Yes, I really want to become more consistent with my training again, because it is a great release for me, but I also want to be more consistent in my friendships, in answering texts and emails, in keeping my living environment clean and tidy, in making and sticking to a budget.. etc. I think consistency will greatly improve my mental health along with other aspects of my life.

The next thing I want to work on is my work/life balance. I drowned myself in work this year. My bank account is grateful, but my social life and mental state are not so much. I want to be able to be happy and feel fulfilled in both aspects of my life without feeling the demand of financial pressures or the guilt of not being social enough.

Thirdly, I want to start putting myself first. I love that I love helping people, but everyone deserves to be selfish every once in a while. I want to stop letting men, employees, family members and friends walk all over me and taking advantage of me. I want to say ‘No’ more often, take more ‘me days’ and give to myself as much as I give to others.

Apologize for less. This one may sound a little weird. But I put blame on myself for absolutely everything. Break-ups= my fault. Bad days at work= my fault. Etc. Etc. Etc. Not everything is my fault, and not everything is in my control. I need to remember that I can’t control other people’s reactions, moods or feelings. Not everything is my fault.

Lastly, I want to take big steps in my career, whether that means applying for my master’s program, moving somewhere to get more experience, continuing to apply for full-time positions, whatever it takes! #adulting

I find people (including myself) often focus on the negative events that happen during the year: break-ups, accidents, deaths etc. Everyone heals and handles these things differently, but once you take a step back and take a look at the entire year as a whole, so many beautiful things also have happened. Focus on those things. Grow. Move on. Celebrate your acheivements. 2017 is only as good as you make it out to be.

Cheers loves. I hope this year brings you all everything you want and need in life.
🙂

-A

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I miss you.

I think sometimes, as humans, we just need to be told we’re missed by another person.

The “I miss you” words, don’t necessarily have to be said with intent, but they just need to be heard.

These words could come from an ex, a faraway friend, a long lost family member or anything in between, but these words are proof that you did make a difference in another person’s life. That your presence left an impression, one that they miss from time to time, or maybe a lot.

An “I miss you” could give you the comfort that another person thinks about you, maybe as much as you think of them.

It shows that you crossed their mind, that something in their day to day life, reminded them of you.

It proves that despite how things were left off with this person, they still have a positive memory of you, enough to miss you, to miss your presence, your smile, your laugh or simply your being.

Always remember that, even on your lonely days. Someone misses you. Someone out there is thinking about you. And someone enjoys you just the way you are.

Almost.

The almost relationship.

The break up that you can’t even call a breakup because you never actually dated the person.

The heartbreak that you feel stupid for having because you don’t feel entitled to feeling hurt.

The wasted time, the lost words and the forgotten feelings.

Holding onto absolutely nothing.

And letting go of even less.

How do you get over something that was never there, to begin with?

How do you get that part of your smile back from someone who doesn’t even know they took anything from you?

Would you trade the almost love, the almost relationship, for not meeting this person at all?

Would you trade the laughs and memories, the things that now leave a bitter taste in your mouth?