“I think the problem is that we depend on our lovers to love us the way we should love ourselves.”
I hope one day, you find what you’re looking for.
I hope one day, you find someone who doesn’t complete you, but compliments you.
I hope one day, you realize that being vulnerable is okay.
I hope one day, you see the beauty to showing someone your feelings and not assuming they already know.
I hope one day, you realize that waiting for the love you deserve was worth it.
I hope one day, you realize that you don’t need to do any kind of extravagant gesture to change the world, and simply being yourself already does that.
I hope one day, you are able to accept a compliment.
I hope one day, you love yourself as much as you want someone else to love you.
I hope one day, you stop letting people walk all over you.
I hope one day, you are surrounded by happiness.
I hope one day, you appreciate yourself as much as others do.
I have decided to share a new journey with you all! I have been chosen for a program called Nu Beginnings. It is a “community outreach initiative specialized in helping those who have had their confidence affected by accidents, illness, trauma or self harm”, started by a local medical esthetics clinic, Nu Image. I had to apply for this program and was a little nervous at first.
I have had my scars for so long, they are almost like a part of me, a part of my identity. Proof that I survived a tough part of my life. In the large picture, I chose to apply because I think it is a great opportunity to share my journey and bring awareness to self-injury and mental illness. I know many people wouldn’t tag me as someone who struggled with self-injury in the past, so I think it’s awesome to be able to show that mental illness and self-injury doesn’t fit the societal built stereotypes.
So I went into my first appointment at Nu Image about a week ago and sat down with two ladies: Jennifer and Vida. They explained the program to me and asked if I would be okay with sharing my story. My answer was yes. They explained that many people working there had backgrounds and degrees in psychology, and mental illness had a huge part of their hearts which is why they wanted to start this program.
Next, they looked at my scars (which I have on the top of my left arm and on my right thigh). They decided by looking at my scars that there are three treatments they would try.
1) Microneedling which would help the texture of my scars.
2) Laser which would lighten the scarring.
3) Cosmetic tattooing to fix the skin pigment.
I went for my first treatment yesterday which turned out to be lasering. The pictures below show immediately after the treatment (which is why they look swollen) and the day after.
I’m not going to lie it did hurt and I would say I have a quite high pain tolerance. The part that hurt the most was when Vida would go over the same spot more than once with the laser. The smell was also quite bad, smelling like burnt hair and skin. I was given numbing cream which helped a lot and also given some to take home and apply twice daily.
Today the areas feel quite sore like a burn would feel. Sensitive to touch and some movements. Vida told me to expect to peal within the next couple of days.
I will continue to update you all on this journey!
I sit, as I have before, feeling alone, heartbroken and empty. The feeling you get when you fail an exam, or you don’t get the job you applied for. The feeling that leaves you speechless, regretful and numb.
Why did I let myself get here again? Why did I allow a person have this control over me yet another time? Why did I ever believe it would be different?
I’m frustrated that I never get the chance to share my life with another person. I’m upset that yet again, I let myself believe that a person might actually want to be with me. And I’m extremely sad, that I allowed myself to trust someone enough and let them into my life and my thoughts.
Time is the most valuable thing you can give someone. Not money, not bought items, not flowers or jewelry. But memories, deep conversations, late night laughs and minutes of your day. The worst thing is when you regret giving this time to a person. When you don’t learn a lesson or leave with happy memories or thoughts. When you’re left with words to say, and no one there to listen.
How do you move forward, when unsaid words feel like weights holding you back? How do you make sense of a situation when you’re still confused at what really went wrong?
I would rather spend time alone, then spend time with someone who makes me feel even more alone when they leave.
Do you ever wonder if we were each put on this earth to do a certain thing? To change something. To create something. To save someone. I often wonder why I’m here. Why I was born where I was born. Why I’ve made the life choices I’ve made so far. At the time I was making the choices they were all for a certain reason, but I wonder in the end if it’ll all add up to something.
I often think about my grandma who passed almost two and a half years ago. I asked her once if she had any regrets in life. I was hoping for a witty, sassy response because that’s the kind of lady she was, but her answer wasn’t what I was looking for. If she was still alive, I would ask her so many questions about life. I would ask her if she found her reason.
This world is so much bigger than me, and I feel like I’m being consumed by it. I’m letting it break down me down and wear me out. My mind is always running at high speed. Overthinking. Over-analyzing. I’m constantly searching for love or trying to make myself into something I’m not. I’m trying to break out of the mold, at the same time I’m trying to fit into it.
I let other people tell me I’m not good enough, and I let these people’s thoughts pollute my mind. I constantly try to be this perfect poster board cut out, at the same time as I let depression and anxiety eat at my brain.
I let people walk all over me, though I tell myself I don’t deserve it. I let people use and abuse me for their pleasure until I’m empty and feel nothing at all.
But where does it end? Where do I find my reason in this all? When do I get my time?
I often say that we create our own happiness. I believe this 100%. I can sit here and pout about the past all I want, but in reality, it’s never going to get me anywhere. The thing is, I feel as though I create the perfect situations for me to be happy, but I never reach that point. There’s always something missing. Maybe the thing missing is my purpose, and life’s just not ready to show it to me yet.
Maybe the biggest love story of our life isn’t with another person, but with ourselves. We are constantly told that we NEED to find another person to complete ourselves, but what if we all completed ourselves, instead of always looking and striving to be completed by another?
This is going to sound crazy. But do you ever meet people in your life and you know you were meant to meet them? I can make a distinct list. You meet these people for good reasons or bad reasons, but no matter the reason they teach you something and leave your life a little shaken.
I can’t be the only one who feels this way about certain people. I mean obviously everyone you meet, leaves an impact in some way even if its the smallest one, but the people I’m talking about are the ones that turn your world upside down.
I have one of those in my life right now. Teaching me all sorts of lessons and throwing me all kinds of curve balls. What I’ve learned the most in this curent situation, is I am not good at expressing myself very well. I bottle up my emotions way too much and for way too long. I feel bad because when I do this, it often leads to outbursts and over reactions, BUT (there’s always a but), I feel as though I have been open with a person more than I have been with another person in a very, very long time. I honestly don’t know how much more open I can be.
Yes, I know I am a lot. A lot to handle, a lot of emotions, a lot of bad history, but I am honest about these things. I have been honest about my intentions from day one, but yet I still find myself in this same situation time and time again. Not just friends, not dating. It’s more than frustrating.
I feel bad unloading my emotions on people. I don’t want to put my grievences or bad days on them. I get worried that it will scare them away, but I have found bottling my thoughts, can just as easy scare someone away.
Call me crazy, but I hope to one day end up with one of these people who walk into my life. The people that have turned my life upside down for a good reason, pushed me to be better (not change but be a better version of myself) and reensure the way I am is perfect. These are the people that I need and want in my life. And this is the type of person I hope to be with one day.