I made a statement in one of the mental health talks I did about being true to how I was actually doing when people asked. Recently, this has become more and more of a problem for me. I think as a society we’re getting better at asking how people are doing, but we still don’t really care. ( I know that sounds harsh ) I promised myself I wouldn’t pretend to be doing “good” if I wasn’t.
“Hey Ash, how are you?”
“I’m actually not doing the best, feel super overwhelmed and am struggling a lot with my anxiety.’
“Oh.. I.. I’m sorry.”
I mean realistically, that’s a tough subject to dive into, but why bother even asking then.
I have been struggling quite a lot lately. I’ve been pretty honest about it to the majority of the people close to me, but that doesn’t make it easier. Most days I feel like I’m treading in dark, cool water. Just barely keeping my head above the darkness.
At 29, I shouldn’t feel like this.
I should be happy, with a house, my dream job and a pending family. That’s the image that I have to fight to sometimes stay out of my mind.
Life doesn’t always work like that. It doesn’t always give you what you have planned in your head.
A lot of the time it gives you what you need and not what you want at that moment.
But what do I need then? What lesson is life trying to teach me?
To be sad and barely able to keep my head at sea level. To be holding onto this idea of what my life should look like and what the people around me are expecting of me.
It sucks to have a mid that constantly overthinks everything, that gets triggered at the bare minimum of plans changing or other people’s actions.
Where I am right now, it not where I want to be in 4 months when I turn 30. I don’t want to spend another year trying to achieve happiness or trick myself into feeling a certain way.
Thought work is the hardest work. Trying to catch yourself in your unhealthy thoughts before they consume you or rob you of moments in your life.