It has been a very very very long time since I truly liked another person. I’m not talking about lust, sexual attraction, admiration, etc, I’m talking about truly feeling a connection with another person. It has been even longer that I let myself envision a future with someone. It is so god awfully frightening to me to allow myself to be that vulnerable with another person to the point I’ve had multiple panic attacks over it. How crazy is that?? I have been so surrounded by temporary connections, that I’ve totally closed myself from anything that seems to be even the slightest way permanent. It actually made me sad to feel myself push a person a way and doubt their feelings towards me. I tried to suppress my own feelings in danger of getting my heart broken again.
I finally feel whole. Secure in my body. Confident in my goofy self. I couldn’t jeopardize throwing this all away.
I’ve always said, “sex is easy, it’s falling in love that’s hard.”
I spent years chasing the wrong people, for the wrong reasons, always resulting in my heart being broken, my feelings getting walked all over and me being alone in the end, hating every inch of my body.
“If I looked a certain way, that relationship would have worked”.
“If I was more successful, this person would have wanted to be with me”.
“If I alter my appearance, I will find true love”.
In the midst of these thoughts constantly spinning through my head, I forgot what it felt like to be chased instead of doing the chasing. I forgot what it was like to hang out with someone more than once, before they started kissing my neck and sticking their hands in ‘forbidden’ places.
In the midst of this “hook up culture”, I forgot that other types of relationships and feelings existed.
I want to cry every time I think about the idea that by opening myself up, I am putting myself in the familiar place of potentially having to pick up the pieces to my own broken heart, if things don’t work out again.
Am I being pessimistic, looking at it like that? Have I just had my heart broken and walked all over too many times? Or am I being a realist, by keeping in mind all the things that could potentially happen??
If I continue to push the people away that are truly good for my soul, and turn towards the people that are damaging, I may be protecting my heart short term, but missing out long term.
It’s hard to be vulnerable and showcase your flaws and imperfections, but it seems to be almost just as hard to be standing still, while you see others around you pass by.
I just want a person I can sit comfortably in silence with. That gives me room to continue to grow and find myself. I want a person that is excited for me and even more excited to create memories with me. I want to be wanted and cherished for things other than beauty and appearance. I want someone who will challenge me to continue to be the better version of myself and question me when I do something that is worth questioning. I want to be with someone who will never allow me to have to second guess their feelings for me or intentions with me. I want someone who will never allow me to go to bed mad at them and will never leave an argument until it is resolved.
Love is scary. Vulnerable is scary. Allowing someone to see your soul is fricken scary.
But missing out on a person that may light your soul on fire is even scarier.